Thankful

I am thankful for God's presence in my life. For His guidance. His amazing, overpowering love.

Things have been amazingly normal lately. I still have my moments. But I'm learning that the life I am living now is not the alternative to something better, it IS the better.

I am taking a break from blogging due to not much time and not really any inspiration to write. I'll come back from time to time.

Brutus...

This is Brutus. He just turned 5 on Sunday. He is an odd mix of pitbull and chihuahua (I know!). He looks like a pit whose legs didn't grow enough. Believe it or not, he was the runt of the litter. We named him Brutus as a joke. My eldest was fostering the whole litter and their mother and the other pups wouldn't let him feed so my daughter had to hand feed him. I fell in love with him instantly and he has been a part of our family since he was 8 weeks old. He weighs 40 lbs now. He is a MOOSE! But he is one of the most beautiful dogs I have ever seen. His brindle coloring is gorgeous, I just couldn't find a good picture of it.

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Wolfie made a comment yesterday that cracked me up. He said he'd never been in a relationship where cooking was an unhealthy activity. I never thought of it that way because I loved cooking so much, but because of the expectations I put on myself and the expectations I put on others reactions, it became that. It just struck me funny....unhealthy activity.

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I amazed myself last night. I had the meatloaf already in the oven when bil called and asked if the kids could go to dinner with him. I had absolutely no problem with this. The old me would have either said no in a very pissy way, or said yes but made everyone feel really bad because I had already started dinner. I just said yes and saved the meatloaf for Friday. Seriously, this was huge for me.

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I found out last night that the reason my boy never wants to go anywhere with bil (like my girl always does) is because he hasn't wanted to leave me alone. After all of the talk that my little nervous breakdown and subsequent trip to the psych ward this past summer hadn't affected him at all, he finally fessed up. I explained to him again that it was ONLY the medication that made me like that and that I am fine now. It was very sweet.

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Life....

~~The carnival at church was SOOOOOO much fun!! I worked a game booth all by myself and it was just so fun to interact with the children and try and make each one feel special.

~~I couldn't walk by the end of the night. Not just my entire body, but especially the injured ligament in my leg. I wanted to cry (but didn't)

~~I haven't cried in 3 DAYS!!!! Went ALL weekend without a breakdown of any kind whatsoever.

~~I spent alot of time in the kitchen on Sunday. I baked Snickerdoodles and sugar cookies and made a nice chicken dinner. I also made dinner last night and am again tonight. Don't get me wrong, I was feeding my children, just not really cooking. It has been MONTHS since I've spent a Sunday in the kitchen. The thing that got me through was remembering I was doing it because I LIKED it, not because I was trying to make someone like me, not because I needed validation from someone else.

~~We got a new phone system at work. I like it but it sure was a hassle changing it all.

~~ My printer at work died yesterday and I went out and got a new one and hooked it up ALL BY MYSELF!!

~~ I start going to my home Bible study this Friday. I am excited!!

~~God is amazing! He is allowing me to feel such freedom and relief lately.

Busy, busy.........

Today is a bullet point day....
~~My boss got back from China and we started the navel orange season so I've been super busy at work. Which is nice for a change.

~~I've had my ups and downs. I just cling to God during the downs and know that they won't last forever.

~~School is going great! I'm getting an A in English, B in Sociology and B in Algebra

~~Since I haven't been going to meetings I feel alot freer. I don't know why. But I do. So I'm just going to focus on women's bible study on Thursday nights, small home group every other Friday, and regular church on Sunday. I've done this the last two weeks and it has been wonderful.

~~Tomorrow my girl with go with bil trick or treating and my boy and I are volunteering at my church's alternative to Halloween carnival.


~~I actually had to turn my heater on yesterday morning. It was 40! (I know, I know but for here in So Cali that's pretty darn cold!) The only thing wrong with the weather is the dang wind. Which. I. Hate. With a passion.

~~I've lost 10 lbs in the last 3 months!!!!

~~And lastly.......the Vikings are so gonna kick the Pack's butts on Sunday!

Roxy...

This is Roxy. She's my girl's dog. She's a spaz. She is the ONLY one who is excited at 4 a.m. when I get up. So today she got a treat. I took her on my walk with me. It was a very short walk because of my leg but she was soooo happy! I think I'll take her with me every morning.

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Had a little bump in the road yesterday talking with my bil about Thanksgiving and realizing that I just don't want to be at his girlfriend's house. Thanksgiving has been MY holiday for the past three years. When I hung up, I cried. Hard. God is so amazing. He told me it was ok to cry, it was ok to hurt and He just let me cry. I could feel His arms around me, comforting me and then I was done. I accepted the truth that I didn't want to be there on Thanksgiving and that my kids will just have to learn to deal with our new reality. I decided we would go to the movies and to Yardhouse (if they're open). After that, I had a wonderful afternoon/evening. My girl, whose been on the PMS/teenager train lately, was an absolute sweetheart yesterday. My boy was grumpy and tired; I'm hoping he's not coming down with something. I did my homework for bible study, algebra homework, cooked dinner (spaghetti) and watched Dancing with the Stars.

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GRATITUDE

1) God's comfort

2) my girl's sweetness and sunshine

3) Roxy, for keeping me company and always making me laugh

Monday, Monday.....

We had a really nice weekend! My girl and I stayed in on Friday night and caught up on all of our dvr'd shows while my boy went to church. Saturday we worked in the yard....with NO complaining!! They finagled me into going to the mall...."just to look, so you can write things down for Christmas." Yes I got snookered. I agreed with the proviso that I got to go to Godiva and buy my Dark Chocolate Decadence drink and they didn't get any. So we went, and we walked, and walked, and I wrote. We got along. It was so nice (except my leg just can't handle walking AT ALL). After dinner, I did homework and they went across the street and spent the night with my nephew's fiance and her sister. I went to church yesterday morning, ran home to pick my son up and take him to church. Watched the Vikings game (BOOO-YA!!!!!) and did homework. My boy stayed at church all day long because Stellar Kart was playing the 6pm service. He got to sit in on their sound check AND he got my girl and I in early so I didn't have to stand in line. The show was amazing, the message was even more amazing. All of it, the whole weekend, was just so.....NICE. And I LIKE nice!!!

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GRATITUDE:

1) that my words can encourage people

2) NICE!

3) it's cooling off a little for a few days (it was over 100 on Thur, Fri, and Sat)

4) my boy had such a fun, memorable time yesterday

5) my girl and I got along ALL weekend!

It's Friday.....

We were supposed to go to a football game tonight. My alma mater's homecoming game. Against my kid's school. BUT my girl texted me and said she's not feeling that great and she really sounded like crap on the phone when she woke up, so I think I'm going to make a "mom executive decision" and we'll just stay home. It's really funny. For the past 6 months I have NOT wanted to sit around at home. I wanted to be busy, busy, busy. Well, it's caught up with me and I'm burnt out. I'm so glad this weekend is looking really easy. Boy has hockey coaching and church tomorrow, then I have church on Sun morning. My boy will stay at church all day so he can snag us a good place in line for church that night. StellarKart will be there, so it will be alot of fun.

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Women's bible study last night was awesome. We are studying the book of John. The teaching was all about obedience and it was perfectly timed. I had been feeling like chucking everything, my meetings, all of it. I was just having the feeling I didn't need it anymore. I had asked God for some clear direction on this. He came through (no surprise!). My sponsor texted me last night (after her not answering me for over a week) AND my counselor, who I haven't been to in months because I can't afford it, called me to see how I was doing. When I told her why I hadn't been back, she cut my fee and told me to pay what I could. So obviously this was all a thump on the head by God to let me know I can't do it by myself (duh). My problem had been that I felt I was dwelling on my addiction and abuse too much. I don't want them to be what defines me, I was putting myself into a box, and I started fighting against it. What I need to do is realize that these things ARE a part of me, and I do have to deal with them, but they are not ALL I am. So, my decision is to get back to my home meeting when volleyball is over and to get back to counseling twice a month.

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From "Proverbs 31 Woman" email devotion:

"There's no place you can go that God can't follow. No heartbreak, no betrayal, no refection, no failure, no disappointment, and no evil can stop Him from coming near. God will always come. He cannot fail you. He will never quit you, never forget you, and never leave you. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

WOW.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's thumps on the head

2) lessons hopefully learned in bible study

3) a quiet weekend

4) I get to leave work at noon today

5) ALL OF YOU!!!!!! you all encourage and uplift me daily. THANK YOU!!

I'm ok.....

The depression passed so quickly yesterday. God is SOOOOO good!!! I went to my English class and I was fine. I'm really enjoying that class actually. Then I picked up my son, took him to church, picked my daughter up from volleyball practice, went home, ate dinner, did the dishes, read, and picked up my son at 9. Wednesdays are my busy days. The book I was reading was by Elizabeth George, Loving God With All Your Mind. I just started it. The first chapter was all about thinking on the truth. And that is pretty much what I have been trying to do. God was just reinforcing it to me. When I stay focused on God's truth and not let the lies of the enemy slip in; when I dwell on the truth and not what my mind is making up....THAT is when I am truly living my life.
I made a decision last night, too. I am so burned-out with all my running around that I've decided to forgo my meetings on Mondays until my girl's volleyball is over in November. I didn't go this past week and the extra time with my kids was priceless.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's truth and grace

2) Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream....seriously

3) Women's bible study tonight

4) I was able to pay a few of my credit cards today AND since there is an extra pay period this month, and the end of the month I will have a little extra money

5) I have one or two more quiet weeks here at work before navel season starts.

Pain....

From "Power of a Praying Woman" calendar:

"Tough times happen to everyone at one time or another. Pain and loss are a part of life. There are many different reasons why these things occur, but God is always there to bring good out of it when we invite Him to. If we understand the different possibilities for our suffering, it will help us overcome our pain and see our faith grow in the midst of it."

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Gut-wrenching pain....again. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, BAM! A feeling of wanting to rewind the past year, do it different, no break-up, the feeling of "what will I do without him", "how can I go on". I rebuke, I pray, I give it up. And it passes.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God has plans and reasons for everything and it is not my place to know them, but only to trust Him.

2) finished all the reports my boss needs for his overseas trip this week

3) I am done with my homework for the week, except to keep working on my research project.

A few bumps in the road...

My eldest and I have a pact that we would always spend Christmas Eve/Christmas morning together, no matter what, no matter how many children she has, where we are, we'll be together. She called me last night and told me that her great-grandmother (who is 96) offered to pay her way to visit her in Ohio, but she would have to leave on Christmas Eve. My daughter was so sweet and before telling her yes, called me to ask my permission. I was heart-broken but I couldn't keep her from it, so I didn't let on and told her by all means go. My issue is that I have in my mind that the holidays are going to be tough for me this year, the first since the break-up and all. I was upset last night. Very. But when I woke up this morning, God put a new thought in my mind and that was that it will all be ok. The younger two and I will be fine and I need to stop thinking that it's going to be so bad.
The other bump was when the kids and I were watching home movies from when they were little. I guess their dad (who I haven't heard from in almost 2 years; he's the abusive one) visited us when I was videotaping. Seeing him on the tv sent me into a near panic attack. I had to leave the room and I cried. I realized I have not seen or talked to him since being sober. That I had used the alcohol to numb all the feelings about what he did to me and now being sober I HAVE to deal with it. It only lasted a minute and I was fine but it reinforces something I've been feeling alot of lately and that is my issues are turning out to be so much more from the domestic violence than from the alcohol abuse. And I'm leaning more in the direction of counseling and helping women who are dealing with abuse, than helping people in addiction.
I think my girl realized I had an issue with their father and told her brother to fast forward through that part. We had the most fun at dinner than we've had in a long time. I haven't laughed so hard in forever. My kids were (are!) such dorks. So even with the little bumps in the road last night, we had a WONDERFUL evening.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God can and will shift my wrong attitudes/thinking about things

2) God helps me see my selfishness

3) I am lucky enough to own a video camera so that we can look back at our wonderful memories and have so much fun doing it

4) my sweet, sweet eldest girl who thought of me first

5) the VIKINGS are 5-0!!!!!!!!!! Going all the way, baby!!!!

The weekend...

I had a fabulously normal weekend! Did chores, laundry, homework, bbq'd steak for me and the kids, went to church, went to see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D, sat outside while my kids threw the football back and forth, put up my fall decorations. It was nice and quiet and relaxing. Now back to the grind!

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GRATITUDE:

1) a wonderful weekend

2) my bathroom door is fixed (it was falling off it's hinges; bil came and fixed it on Sat.

3) it's supposed to rain this week!!

4) I decided on a subject for my research paper for Sociology: global violence against women

5) factoring trinomials has gotten easier with practice!

Factoring trinomials......

Seriously, when will I EVER in my life have to factor a trinomial??? I was at the point of tears last night with frustration. I stopped my homework, took a break, read a few verses in my Bible and prayed and went back to it and got it done. And it did get easier with the last few problems. Thankfully I have no plans this weekend except for homework, driving my son to church tonight and tomorrow night, taking him to coach hockey tomorrow afternoon, going to church myself on Sunday morning and then to the movies. Gee, that looks like alot now that I've written it out, but really, it's not. It will be a pretty relaxing weekend, praise God!!

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Gratitude:
1) the awesome comments y'all posted yesterday
2) I got through my algebra chapter without crying
3) it is sooooooo slow here today I'll probably leave at noon
4) the weather is STILL beautiful
5) while God is giving me such peace and a sense of normalcy, He is not letting me become complacent

Normalcy?

"Thank You, Lord, that in my distress I can call on You. And when I cry out to You, Lord, You hear my voice and answer (Psalm 18:6). May the joy of knowing You fill my heart with happiness and peace." (from Power of a Praying Woman)

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I feel normal. So normal, it feels strange, if that makes any sense. I'm not in a downward spiral nor am I on an upswing. I feel happiness and peace. Not everything is hunky dory. In fact, my outward circumstances have not changed at all. It's all an inner working in my heart. A gift from God. It's mind boggling to me. Just a few weeks ago I was despairing of EVER being back to normal. I am reveling in it. And I praise God for pulling me through it, making me wiser, more compassionate and better able to help and encourage others because of what I have endured.

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I am grateful:

1) for surviving my busiest day of the week yesterday.

2) for Jack in the Box for breakfast

3) that I worked out again this morning (good thing, too, considering #2)

4) that I have women's bible study tonight

5) I actually have money enough after paying bills that the kids and I can go see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D over the weekend.

Meetings....

Just to clear things up. I do not attend AA meetings or Celebrate Recovery meetings. I have never been to a "real" AA meeting. The meetings I attend are Christ-based 12-step meetings. We use the Life Recovery Bible and we do work the steps and discuss a different step each week. Most of the people who attend also attend AA. I came late to meetings, I was 8 months sober before I ever went to one. I wanted something that was Christ-centered. We welcome anyone and usually have at least 3-4 people who are not believers in each meeting. I have nothing against people with different views as mine. To me, I owe everything to God. Jesus is the basis, the foundation, of my life and my sobriety and my recovery. Being around people that feel the same and understand how hard it is to be a Christian who is also an alcoholic/addict is a very important part of my recovery. That's how we have Jesus in our meetings.
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Today I am grateful for:
1) my children came with me last night to fold brochures for the walkathon I'm on the committee for, they got along, and didn't complain about doing something for nothing
2) I figured out how to do graphs on Excel and my boss is going to be so happy with his reports when he gets back from vacation!
3) I worked out this morning
4) my girl made the volleyball team
5) I realized this morning that I'm not in an upswing or a downward spiral, but evened out. And it's not just today. It's lasted at least since Sunday. This is a miracle in itself!

Nothing much....

I'm going to try and keep up with things here.
My meeting last night was wonderful....full of Jesus. Very nice!

Today I am grateful for:
1) a wonderful meeting last night, with lots of new people returning
2) the Vikings beat the Packers!!!!!!!
3) I'm cooking more these days and my children are grateful they're not eating hot dogs and mac n cheese and spaghetti so often (cooking was a major trigger for my depression for a while)
4) the privilege of prayer
5) the awesomeness of God

DUH!!

Forgot my gratitude list:
1) the absolutely beautiful fall weather we've been having
2) everyone is healthy
3) my dad celebrated his 79th bday yesterday
4) I have come to realize that I am the sister-in-law, not the ex-girlfriend anymore, and that makes things so much better
5) this is the only October 5th, 2009 I will ever have and I plan to LIVE it, not just SURVIVE it!

YIKES!!!

I had no idea it had been so long since I posted!!!!
I had a pretty bad few weeks but seem to be coming out of it now. Everyone is healthy and I never got it, which is such a HUGE blessing. I started the Women's Bible Study at Harvest 2 weeks ago. Awesome!! And the beginning of November my Friday nights will switch back and forth between my recovery worship service and a home bible study through Harvest.
School is going great! I'm done with the 6 week Intro to College course and my English professor said I only need to go in to class on Wed, skipping Mondays and STILL get full credit!! Boo-ya!!!!
My boss has been on vacation for a week and still has one more week to go. It is deathly slow here because the new season for navel oranges doesn't start until the end of the month. I'm working on year end reports while it's slow.
So those are the basics of what's going on. Mentally and emotionally I have been on a major rollercoaster the past few weeks. Up and down. Feeling like I'm truly insane sometimes. But over the weekend (a nice calm NORMAL weekend, with barely any plans) a switch flipped in my head and in my heart and I've stopped being so impatient with God to change things RIGHT NOW. I've accepted my reality. I've accepted my "today". I have peace and calm and it's WONDERFUL!!!

The House of Sickness.....

My poor girl is down with the flu. Bad. Temp of over 103 for 2 days. Took her to the dr and she confirmed it's the flu, not strep. I went to pick up my son from church last night and while I was gone, my girl had a bloody nose (not unusual at all, she has them ALL the time) but she fainted. I'm sure it was a combination of being sick, not eating her dinner like she was supposed to, and the cold meds. She is doing so-so today. Fever is down to 101. It doesn't help that we're in the beginning of a heatwave. It should be hitting 110 from now until late next week. And I thought we were over the worst of it. No air conditioning sucks. If it gets too bad, I'll send the kids across the street to the ex's house. He has central air.

I went to the recovery worship service last night. It was great! There were about 30 of us. I couldn't help but keep thinking what a smile God must have on His face, seeing and hearing a roomful of what the world might consider some really "bad" sinners....drug addicts, alcoholics, ex-con's, ex-gang members....to see and hear these people singing praises to Him. It gets me every time!

GRATITUDE:
1. that my girl is ok
2. that my son and I so far show no signs of getting sick
3. that I have a house to live in that's mine, regardless of whether the air conditioner works
4. God is redirecting my focus back to where it should be
5. By God's grace I survived this past week.

Vacation......

So far my vacation has been ok. I've been getting alot done around the house. Today I'm taking a break. Just gonna work on some homework. I've struggled all week. I'm still smoking. I went one whole day without caffeine but told myself I couldn't handle the headache. It was just an excuse. What I really NEED to do is apply the 12 steps to these two things and start trusting that God will pull me through.

Monday was a pretty bad day and today started off that way. I finally figured out why this breakup is so hard for me. It's not the fact that I'm not with him anymore, I don't WANT to be with him. It's that, since the relationship was all in secret, I feel like I was never good enough. I tried so hard for so long to be perfect for him, to make him love me, and I was never good enough. It just fed into everything I've been told all my life...that I wasn't good enough.

My ex has been asking me for a few days what's been wrong with me so I decided to tell him how I felt I was never good enough to be his girlfriend. He reminded me that we made a deal early on to keep it secret because we didn't want my kids to get hurt. That what he has with his new gf is an entirely different situation. That I need to stop comparing. That I was always good enough, in fact, I was too good. It made me put my focus back on the truth. It's just that the self-esteem thing is so deeply ingrained in me, it's soooo easy to fall right back into.

What really made me pull through this is that God finally got to me last night and made me see that I AM good enough. That is not the problem. That is the enemy trying to steal my joy. The thing isn't how much T loved me, it's how much God loved me. If God didn't love me, He would have left me in the sin of that relationship. But He does love me and he pulled me out of it. He left me in it long enough for me to be at this place I am at right now. If I hadn't gone through that relationship and the hell and pain of the last 6 months, I wouldn't be so much closer to being who He wants me to be. I have to go through this fire. He has plans for me. I AM good enough in God's eyes. I AM whole. I need to ask God to help me see myself as He sees me. That's the only important thing. Whenever I start to feel anger or bitterness or envy over what they have, I need to turn to God and thank Him for pulling me out of it.

GRATITUDE:
1. God's amazing love
2. I am NOT broken.
3. My house is starting to really look nice
4. My yard is weeded and cleaned up
5. I've got all my photos framed and ready to try and sell at a craft fair on Saturday

Depression.....

Depression is a new thing to me, too. I've always had mild times of depression, but always related to hormones. And my doctor's tell me now, it's more a grieving process added to all my out of whack hormones. That's why anti-depressants were such a bad thing for me, they say. I didn't really need them. I know they work for alot of people, just not me. This is just something I need to work through.

I did get some really good advice from my counselor a few months back. Try deep breathing exercises, positive affirmations, exercise (especially walking), and eating healthier. All of these things have helped me. The main thing, though, is not isolating yourself, not feeling sorry for yourself, realizing that you WILL get through it. Stay plugged in to God and to life.

Clarification: the meeting I go to on Friday nights isn't really a meeting, I just call it that for convenience sake. It is an actual church service FOR alcoholics/addicts. We do worship and then the pastor gives a message specifically geared to the struggles we as people in recovery face. The steps are not discussed. Now my meetings on Mondays are Christian-based step studies and we work out of the Life Recovery Bible. We work the steps and we share, but it is not AA or Celebrate Recovery.

GRATITUDE:
1) last day of Surf Fellowship tomorrow
2) I've slept straight through the night (11-4) for 2 nights in a row
3) got some great deals on chicken and steak at the store
4) I'm on vacation next week!!
5) that my blog may help someone

So hard sometimes....

First of all, Disneyland was a blast!!! We got an electric wheelchair because of my torn ligament and what a blessing! We went on almost every single ride, got to see the Fantasmic show and the fireworks. It was great!

The down side to everything is that for the past few weeks I've been slowly spiralling down with my depression and finally hit the bottom on Saturday. I thought I had a handle on it. But with my mom in the hospital and not doing all that great last week and an argument with the ex, it just sent me way down. I've had that deep down, gut-wrenching pain inside, too. Just that overwhelming sadness.

The upside to it all is that God is pulling me through. On Saturday, I spent most of the day just crying out to Him. It was the worst day I've had since the bad reaction to the anti-depressants sent me to the mental hospital in June. It was deep and dark. But as I lay my head down on my pillow that night, I heard God say He delighted in me. I argued. How could He possibly delight in me. Look at me. I was on the verge of crazy again. He told me to look at all the things I did RIGHT that day.....I clung to Him, I stayed in His Word, I picked up the phone, I asked for help and encouragment from my sponsor and a Christian friend, I didn't act on my feelings, I didn't drink, or take something to help me go to sleep. I went to bed overwhelmed with His peace and His love.

I've been doing better the past few days. Every now and then the sadness threatens to overtake me. But I just turn to God and believe in His promises to me. It's going to be a long bumpy road, but I'll make it.

On the physical front, my ankle is doing so-so. Some days are good, some aren't. I've been dealing with headaches and a backache for the last two days. It feels like I'm trying to catch a cold but I don't. I'm healthy as a horse so nothing ever really catches on. The heat has gotten much better so I'm not exhausted because of that anymore.

Next week will by trying. I'm taking a week off to do my fall cleaning (mainly because I want to take some time off before my boss leaves for his over one month long vacation). I'm going to try and quit caffeine and nicotine. I have to do them together. There's no other way. So prayer for that would really be appreciated!!

School is going really well. I'm really enjoying it. And our schedule seems to have calmed down into somewhat of a routine.

GRATITUDE:
1) my mom is doing a little better
2) had really nice email conversations with my sisters today
3) finished enough of my homework for this week that I can take this little break
4) my Friday night meetings are starting again tomorrow after taking the summer off (they're pretty much a church service and they're awesome!)
5) God's peace

Absence

I can't believe I've been gone so long. I've been struggling with a few things this past week. My mom had surgery on Monday to remove 8" of her intestines; she's in MN and I'm here in CA and it's just not right. She's doing ok. My air condition went kaput last Thurs and it's been over 110 since then; outside and inside my house. We had computer problems at work for a day or two. My finances are a wreck right now. And, I've really been struggling with my walk with God. I just want to trust Him and obey Him and TOTALLY live my life for Him and I fall so short with every single breath I take. I think all of this was just a little bit of a downward spiral with my depression and hormones (which I feel, are a tool of the devil!). I'm doing better today.
I've also been swamped with school work. I'm enjoying it soooo much, though.
The kids and I, and my bff from high school are going to Disneyland on Friday for my bday!!! I am sooooooooooo excited!!! I haven't been for at least 5 or 6 years, probably more than that.

Now.....back to the grind!

Contentment? Peace?

That's how I woke up feeling and it is still continuing. God is just so amazing. I had a really wonderful meeting last night. My english class was better because I changed my attitude about it and made myself be present for it. The best part about my day yesterday.......instead of riding his new skateboard home from school, like he had been dreaming of, I saw my son helping one of the old ladies in our park carry her groceries home. I am so proud of him!!! Tonight, we get to have dinner together at the table. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, one thing at a time. I've had trouble with that for sooooo long. I could never live in this day. My mind would always be off in the past or in the future. I would live today waiting for it to be over so I could get to tomorrow. But I would live EVERY day like that, never really getting anywhere; not knowing what I was living for. Does that make sense? I've been praying and praying the last few weeks that God would teach me how to live one day at a time. He's doing that. I'm forcing myself to be present, not off somewhere in my mind. And in doing so, I am finding His peace and the contentment that only comes from Him. I'm still crazy busy and could be overwhelmed if I obsessed about how much I have to do, but He is not allowing me to do that. He gently reminds me every time I start obsessing, to stop, to breathe, and to live.

GRATITUDE:
1. my son is awesome
2. I had the most lovely quiet lunch hour yesterday!
3. my meeting was awesome; a few newcomers, alot of absent regulars returning
4. tonight all three of us will be home; albeit, we'll all be doing homework, but at least we will all be home together
5. I got to do a random act of kindness yesterday

My weekend

I'm not really feeling the writing thing today. I'm in a weird place. Mainly just tired I think. So I'll just tell y'all about my weekend:
Saturday I met for the first time with a photography group that I joined. We discussed places where we'd like to go and take pictures. It was really nice, the people were wonderful, and I think I made some new friends.
Then I took my girl to a bday party for the granddaughter of a friend that bil share. We all keep talking about how the breakup is not going to change our friendship, but sadly, I think it has. I left my girl there and took my boy to coach hockey. That evening I met with a few of my high school friends for dinner. Now THAT was a blast! I think I have it figured out though. With my new friends in the morning and my old friends in the evening, I was just Diane. With my friends that I share with my bil, I always use to be Diane and T, and now I am Diane minus T. I just want to be Diane. Period. And it's hard. I felt like hanging around them was a trigger for my depression and that's really sad to me.
Yesterday, I went to church and then took the kids to the mall to buy some school clothes. I spent the afternoon reading my Sociology chapter and finishing my algebra homework.
My kids started school today! Yay!!!! I can go home at lunch to peace and quiet and read my bible; maybe we can even get into a nice routine. Be normal!!! I'm still super busy with school and church stuff, but at least the kids should be calming down a bit.

GRATITUDE
1. old friends
2. new friends
3. back to school for the kids!
4. my amazing church
5. I have a meeting tonight

Candy Finnigan is my hero

Seriously. I want to be her when I grow up. The show Intervention was an important part of me becoming sober. I would watch it and see what addiction was doing to the families. I didn’t want that to happen to my family because of me. I was also scared to death that someone was going to call the show on me, lol.
I watched an episode last night about a brother and a sister. They got the brother to agree to treatment and then they turned to the sister. She was the youngest of 6 siblings. Candy looked at her and said, “you’re the baby."(and I LOST it; haven't cried like that in a while, lol) "All your life all these people have taken care of you. Now it’s your time. It’s time to grow up and learn to take care of yourself.” That hit home. So very much. I am the baby. All my life I’ve had people taking care of me. Or I have been searching for someone to take care of me, never really wanting to take on the responsibility of taking care of myself.
This all goes together with the revelation I had a few weeks ago with all the drama…..how it’s time for me to grow up. It kinda gives me the reason why I need to grow up. I’m MY responsibility. Not anyone else’s. It’s time I take up that responsibility.

GRATITUDE
1. God
2. meeting with new photography group for breakfast at the beach tomorrow
3. meeting with high school friends for dinner tomorrow
4. got some frames on clearance yesterday so I actually may have some photos to sell next month at the craft fair
5. I got a 100 on my first sociology quiz!!!

Pain....

I thought the ligament in my ankle was getting better, very slowly, but getting better. I seem to have a lot of pain there today. I'm figuring I'll give it a few more weeks and then go back to the dr. Tonight I have no plans except for homework so I'll just sit and keep ice on it. Hopefully that will help.
I praise God, though, that that is the only pain I've been having. The deep, gut-wrenching pain of the last few months is gone. The way I have come from the depths of darkness and blackness and pain where I was, to where I am now.....well, it's nothing short of a miracle. It's all God.

GRATITUDE
1. I get to stay home tonight
2. I get to stay home tomorrow night (except for giving my son a ride to church)
3. my son offered to walk with my daughter to school to help her with her registration so I didn't need to take off work
4. we've had dinner at the table twice this week
5. we're really coming together as a family, getting along, having stupid fun; just every day stuff, just the 3 of us

Outta my head

I think I will survive algebra and sociology. I was quite overwhelmed yesterday when I saw I had 30 pages in my math book to do by Sunday at midnight, but once I started doing it, with just a couple of questions to the kids, it all started coming back........and I ENJOYED it!!! There's something about the feeling of victory when you get a problem right!! I think it has alot to do with my need for a sense of order, too.

This is the third day in a row that I have woken up without my first thought being about my ex. This is HUGE. For 7 years I spent every waking hour thinking about him and what I needed to do to make him happy and now it's finally, FINALLY stopping. I hope I don't make him sound like an ogre, he's not. He's the sweetest guy in the world. I'm the one who made the choice to put him above all other people/things in my life. I felt I had to so he would love me, which was false thinking. See, our entire relationship was in secret. Oh, by the end everyone knew. By the end it was a very open secret and only my youngest 2 kids didn't know about it. But because of that I was never secure in his love. With my past history of abuse and abandonment, I've always needed security, which this relationship didn't give me at all. So I felt I had to do whatever, be whatever he wanted me to be in order to make sure he loved me. ANYWAY, it's really nice finally getting him out of my head. It's answered prayer.

GRATITUDE
1. I like algebra!!!
2. every time I start feeling overwhelmed with it all, God reminds me to take a breath, say a prayer and trust in Him.
3. I have not called my ex once this week. Oh, I have talked to him a few times, but the important thing is I didn't call him. Huge.
4. I have awesome, smart kids who can help me with my homework
5. Just......God.

Monday

I started classes yesterday. So far, it seems like my online Sociology class is going to be the most stressful for me. The English class I think, will be really easy. It's really basic stuff. I go this afternoon for an introduction to the online algebra class.
I started to feel really overwhelmed by all I've taken on. I just cling to God and know I just need to trust in Him and He will guide me.
After school, I went to my meeting. Wonderful, as usual. I was thinking on the drive there how often I used to make excuses to NOT go places and how many times I just ditched things I had planned. Today, I would never even consider missing a meeting or church. Or anything else I have planned. It's just weird.

GRATITUDE
1. English class looks like it will be easy
2. Sociology looks daunting but I love a challenge
3. I woke up this morning with not a single thought of the ex. This is truly amazing.
4. my children were wonderful yesterday
5. the privilege of prayer

The weekend

It was very tiring but really wonderful. Seeing Third Day live finally was a dream. And on Saturday night, Skillet was UNBELIEVABLE!! As was Pastor Greg's messages both nights and seeing thousands of people each night respond to the altar call. We went to church on the beach Saturday morning. Because of the Crusade there weren't that many of us but it was very nice and low-key. Yesterday afternoon I went to an all-class reunion at my high school. It was great! There were only a few of us "young 'uns" but so much fun none the less. I graduated in 1981. The youngest people there were class of 83 and the oldest.......class of 1937!!!

I start school this afternoon. English class on Mon and Wed. I got the syllabus for my online Sociology class and need to get started on that work. Tomorrow I get the syllabus for my online Algebra class. I already have the assignments for my Intro to College course and have finished the first 2 assignments.

I've had some really bumpy moments recently with my depression but God is so amazingly awesome.....they don't last long once He gets my thinking straightened out again. It's just a matter of right-thinking; making sure my thoughts are the truth; having faith.

GRATITUDE
1. a super awesome weekend
2. starting school!
3. meeting tonight
4. patience with my kids
5. the kids start school next week! Ahhhh, normalcy, routine!

HARVEST CRUSADE

http://harvest.org/crusades This is where we will be tonight for Third Day and tomorrow night for Reliant K and Skillet. (you can watch the webcast at the link at 7pm pacific time each night). Tomorrow during the day we'll be at Harvest's Surf Fellowship, aka church on the beach!! Then Sunday, I have an "all-class" high school reunion in the afternoon!! Super packed weekend but I'm so blessed to be able to do all of this!!

GRATITUDE
1. still making good parenting decisions
2. my awesome church, Harvest Christian Fellowship
3. my perk of gas from my job which really helps me be able to do all of this stuff
4. the grocery store had Pink Lady apples and they are sooooo good!
5. God's little (sometimes big) thumps on the head

Peace

I seem to have found some. Although my schedule is crazy and will soon turn crazier, I have a deep inner peace with God these last few days. And any time it starts to slip away, He brings me right back to it.

GRATITUDE
1. God's provision
2. I have a super fun weekend coming up
3. Work has been slow enough that I have been able to get a bunch of other stuff done
4. I'm finding my voice and losing the shyness
5. patience, that God has been giving me in abundance

Self

There was a lot of drama going on over the weekend, too much to get into here, but suffice it to say God really worked overtime on me. The gist of it is....He made me realize how obsessed I've been with "self". Everything I did revolved around what I wanted people to think of me or say about me, to bring attention to me. I realized what a child I have been being the past 4 months since the break-up. How much unnecessary stress and drama and damage I have created. He broke my pride. It was like a switch flipped inside my head and I'm just over it. Ready to move on. My kids and I even hung out at the ex's house to watch the UFC fight on Sat. night. With him and his new girlfriend and her kids. AND we went to the pool with them on Sunday. I had never given his gf a chance. Every other time we were around each other I was too worried about making people think how strong and wonderful I was that I was even there dealing with it. This time it wasn't like that. My motives were pure. I was there because it was the right thing to do. It was normal. And it was wonderful. She's a very nice person and I actually think we will be friends. I'm not obsessing anymore, about them or me or others. All I want is to be a good example of a child of God and what He can do in someone's life. God is so awesome!!!

GRATITUDE
1. the sheer wonder and majesty of God
2. I've made some calm, good parenting decisions in the past few days, not caring if other people think I'm too strict, not caring if my kids aren't happy with the decisions
3. the weather has been absolutely beautiful!
4. I was able to be there for a friend last night instead of me being the needy one
5. my awesome sponsor

LOOK AT MY COUNTER!!!

3--6--5!!!!! Yes, 365 days, 1 year. That is my entire gratitude list today. Everything else pales in comparison!!

Answered prayer...

Sometimes when God answers prayers, it really hurts.

LABELS.....

I've been thinking alot about labels in the last day or so. I realized that I need to stop making my identity all about the labels I apply to myself. Yes, I am a sober addict/alcoholic, an abuse survivor. Yes these experiences are a part of me. But I don't want them to be what I'm all about. I want to stop being the VICTIM that I always portray myself to be. I am strong and brave, and dangit, I'm tired of acting like a whiny little baby. I am going to step out of the protective shell of these labels and let God show me who I really am.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY:
1) I feel strong, I feel tenacious, I feel done with all the self-pity
2) this will be the last quiet weekend for me for awhile, I'm going to enjoy it
3) My girl and I are having a girl's night in and watching movies tonight
4) we will do this while my boy is at church (again!)
5) I have an awesome job and an awesome boss!!

Thursday

Today, so far, has been a good day. I've finished everything I've started. That’s always a good thing.

I am on the email prayer chain at my church and one of the people they wanted to pray for had just lost 5 family members in a car crash. As I was praying, I was thinking, “how do you comfort someone like this? how do you pray for them?” It seemed to me that that no amount of comfort would help.

Then the name Job flashed in my mind. I thought of all Job lost, everything….EVERYTHING. And he suffered for years most likely. But in the end the Bible says, “So the LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the earlier. Job lived 140 years after this and saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. Then Job died, old and full of days. “ (Job 42:12,16-17).

I LOVE that! Job, through all his suffering and pain and grief never took his eyes off of God. And God knew his faithfulness. God blessed him for his faithfulness.

Now, I’m not sure how much that would comfort someone in the throes of grief like this man must be in. Honestly, all I can do is pray that God showers His love and peace down upon him.

But for me, with this long and tortuous road that I’m on, it brings me GREAT comfort. As I have been saying the past few days….I know God will not leave me here in this place. And I am fully committed to trusting Him, through whatever chaos and turmoil He sees fit to put me through, for however long He sees fit, even if it's for the rest of my life. I am completely convinced that there is a higher purpose to all the pain.

Today I am learning to find joy wherever I can. I'm not going to let one bad thing happening color my day black.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY
1) I got all of my textbooks ordered and they should be in next week
2) God is teaching me to trust Him in my finances and He is seeing me through
3) I’m going to do a little more Step 4 work tonight
4) I woke up late but not late enough to make me late for work, just enough to make me wear my hair in pigtails
5) the ligament I’ve torn in my ankle is feeling the teensiest better today

Today......

....I'm just...here. Not up, not down...just being. I had a few rough spots this morning with my emotions getting the best of me. I can close my eyes and clearly see myself walking--or trying to walk--on a ledge of slippery, dark, jagged rocks--with my foot being injured. It is very difficult and it hurts. But Jesus is right there with me, guiding me along. I can see the beautiful green meadow down below that I soooo want to get to. But He tells me I first need to learn how to navigate the rocks--and the only way to do that is by putting my trust completely in Him.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY:
1) I KNOW, without a doubt, that God is guiding me through this.
2) I am growing, bit by bit, each day.
3) The wonderful, encouraging comments I've received here from friends--both old and new.
4) My boy was soooo eager for church tonight.
5) My boy is actually seriously talking about finding a job....at 15!

This was from More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, the other day and it fits with where I have been at the past week or so:
"Maybe it's the experience, not the outcome that is the prize. If you're feeling a loss of strength or confidence, let go of the desperate need for a positive outcome in your life. Realize that this, too, will pass. Gain your strength from knowing that whether an event is good or bad, we're enriched by our experiences. Only we can choose to learn from them or allow resentment and foolish expectations to destroy their value."

BEING HONEST...

I just took a huge step and opened up my blog to some very special friends, most of whom don't know what I've been going through. My reason for this is two-fold. 1) after living most of my adult life hiding from everything, especially the truth, I find I am having an overwhelming need to make my life an open book; and, 2) if I can help just one person by sharing my journey....well, then it will all be worth it. I want people who are struggling to know they are not alone and all they need to do is reach out. God is there. Waiting.

What a difference a day makes.........

Thank you all for your wonderful responses to me yesterday. I took each one to heart and prayed about them. God led me to see I needed to see how far I've come in the last year, how there IS a huge change in me (for the better), and He has blessed me tremendously. I just need to hang on, persevere, trust. I had a pretty good breakdown going on yesterday afternoon until I read and prayed. Madison's response especially was the thump on the head I needed. I got to my meeting just barely on time, sat down, and my sponsor (who is the co-leader) said, "OK, Diane, you're leading the group tonight." I whined at her, "Not tonight. Any time but tonight." Because I was a MESS. But she's a tough one and doesn't care how much I whine or cry. I was doing it. Period. It was the most wonderful thing. Listening to everyone and sharing and.......I just love my meetings.

So, God has my head screwed on right today. I'm learning to turn EVERY thought over to the obedience of Christ. I've got both kids home together (finally!) and a nice, quiet night planned.

GRATITUDE:
1. that God brought me here and I started this blog so I could meet so many wonderful, supportive, honest people.
2. I bought 2 of my textbooks today!!
3. my awesome meeting group
4. God IS working in me and DOES have plans and a future for me; He WILL NOT leave me in this place.
5. 2 FREE tacos at Jack in the Box for lunch

Struggling....

I don't understand why I am still struggling so much, every single day, with this break-up. I DON'T want to be with him so what's my problem?!? I am so sick of all of it. I just want to stop my obsessive thoughts. The ONLY thing that got me through the weekend was that God kept directing me to go to my Bible. I went to the Psalms and to the things I had highlighted in the New Testament and I would feel hope and peace again. It was getting so bad yesterday evening I felt completely hopeless again. Ready to give up on God. I DO NOT like that!!

I'm doing better today though. I'm reading so many wonderful blog posts here. They are all just lifting up my soul.

My son is home!!!!! He got home Saturday evening and last night promptly went off to church and to spend the night at a friend's house so they could go to the beach with the High School ministry today! My girl, her friend, my friend and I all went to the Surf Fellowship on Saturday and it was wonderful. There were over 100 people there from church. It is sooo awesome having church on the beach!! The best part was that my friend sat in on the service and enjoyed it and liked what she heard and wants to come again AND wants to come to church with us!!!!

We didn't go tour the Navy destroyer because the wait was 2-3 hours! I am trying to heal a torn ligament in my ankle and could not have stood in line that long. My son and I just had a lazy day yesterday. Which is NOT conducive to my mental well-being.

I have my recovery meeting tonight. It's not AA and it's not Celebrate Recovery. It's their own thing using the 12 steps and the Life Recovery bible. I love it! But, I need to learn to call my sponsor more often. I haven't talked to her in over a week. I really need to pick up the phone. I'm not struggling with not drinking, it's so much more about the break-up than anything else. But I've never had to deal with life before without alcohol masking everything. Life is HARD!

But God is good. I KNOW He is working in me. I know He has a future for me. I just need to move it from the "knowing" in my mind to "believing" in my heart.

Learning, growing, changing

Last night was a pretty rough one. It was my ex's birthday (he is also my ex-brother-in-law and best friend for 20 years; and still my best friend;long story I'll get into later). A little background: We broke up in March. It was a good thing. It was a God-thing. The problem was that after 6 years with me, he turns around and gets a new girlfriend within 2 months of us breaking up, which sent me into a deep downward spiral of depression, which included a very bad reaction (mentally) to some anti-depressants I was put on. I weaned myself off of them and have been fairly ok since the middle of June. I have my days of self-pity but God always brings me back around with His promises. SO, last night, it was his birthday and he wanted me to go to taco night. Something we have been doing as a family for years every week, but which I haven't been a part of since we broke up. God put it in my heart that I needed to go AND to not feel sorry for myself while there. Not do the whole "poor me, this is so hard for me" crap. None of the "please love me, please like me" crap. I went and I didn't. I can't say I had a great time, it was ok. I've conquered it and don't feel the need to go again. God used it to show me how I really need to move on, I don't need to be a part of that crowd anymore. He is so amazing.

The battle with teenage PMS rages on. Last night I was told I'm a mean mom and I'm too strict and I never let her go anywhere. Huh? What? I got angry, I let my feelings be hurt. For a few minutes. I went outside to water so I could calm down and pray and God made me realize that she's a TEENAGER. It's ok if she hates me. She's GOING to hate me. I just need to stick with what I believe is best for her.

My poor son is in Denver. He has been stuck there for almost 2 weeks. Three weeks ago he went with his cousin (who's a longhaul truck driver) for what we thought would be 2 weeks of driving around the country. That was until the truck broke. It's taken the dealer this long to get the part and fix the truck. So, now they have a truck but no load to bring back as of yet. Hopefully they will get one today and be on their way home. God has used this time of him being away to strengthen me. To make me be a little more self-sufficient. My son is my rock and what keeps me grounded. I've learned to lean on God so much more since he's been gone.

GRATITUDE:
1. that God continues to remind me that everything that has happened in my life has brought me to this point.
2. that today is Friday! and I'm going to the beach with church tomorrow and on Sunday we're going to tour a navy destroyer!
3. that my son should be home soon

The PMS Monster

I was never this bad, was I? In my early teens? Naw, I couldn't have been. My poor father!!

I left my sweet, wonderful 12-year old at her big sister's house on Sunday for a visit. I picked her up yesterday. I SWEAR my eldest pulled the old switcheroo on me. There is NO WAY the disrespectful, nasty, mean, selfish, angry, sobbing kid I brought home yesterday was my dear, sweet,
sunshine-y little baby. No way. I want my child back!!!!

This is what I get to enjoy for a week out of every month until she's old enough to move out? Oy!!! I mean, I know I've been praying for patience lately. But this is going a little too far, don't you think, God?

My first post!!!!!

I have been making life SUCH a struggle lately. I know it's not all me, some of it is the enemy, some of it is God's testing. But alot of it is me. My thought life. My obsessive thought-life. Why do I think everything is about me? Why do I constantly obsess about what other people are thinking or feeling about me? I mean, they MUST be thinking about me right?

I am listening to God and learning to take these thoughts captive in obedience to Him. Not shoving my feelings down, but taking whatever thought it is, analyzing it as compared to what I know His truth is and then choosing to believe His truth above all else. So don't get me wrong, it has gotten better.

I just had a little bump in the road for the past week. I just got sooooo tired of struggling. My Recovery Devotional Bible says that this is normal. If I wasn't struggling so, I wouldn't be making any progress. I AM changing and growing...in tiny little ways...each and every day.