Contentment? Peace?

That's how I woke up feeling and it is still continuing. God is just so amazing. I had a really wonderful meeting last night. My english class was better because I changed my attitude about it and made myself be present for it. The best part about my day yesterday.......instead of riding his new skateboard home from school, like he had been dreaming of, I saw my son helping one of the old ladies in our park carry her groceries home. I am so proud of him!!! Tonight, we get to have dinner together at the table. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, one thing at a time. I've had trouble with that for sooooo long. I could never live in this day. My mind would always be off in the past or in the future. I would live today waiting for it to be over so I could get to tomorrow. But I would live EVERY day like that, never really getting anywhere; not knowing what I was living for. Does that make sense? I've been praying and praying the last few weeks that God would teach me how to live one day at a time. He's doing that. I'm forcing myself to be present, not off somewhere in my mind. And in doing so, I am finding His peace and the contentment that only comes from Him. I'm still crazy busy and could be overwhelmed if I obsessed about how much I have to do, but He is not allowing me to do that. He gently reminds me every time I start obsessing, to stop, to breathe, and to live.

GRATITUDE:
1. my son is awesome
2. I had the most lovely quiet lunch hour yesterday!
3. my meeting was awesome; a few newcomers, alot of absent regulars returning
4. tonight all three of us will be home; albeit, we'll all be doing homework, but at least we will all be home together
5. I got to do a random act of kindness yesterday

My weekend

I'm not really feeling the writing thing today. I'm in a weird place. Mainly just tired I think. So I'll just tell y'all about my weekend:
Saturday I met for the first time with a photography group that I joined. We discussed places where we'd like to go and take pictures. It was really nice, the people were wonderful, and I think I made some new friends.
Then I took my girl to a bday party for the granddaughter of a friend that bil share. We all keep talking about how the breakup is not going to change our friendship, but sadly, I think it has. I left my girl there and took my boy to coach hockey. That evening I met with a few of my high school friends for dinner. Now THAT was a blast! I think I have it figured out though. With my new friends in the morning and my old friends in the evening, I was just Diane. With my friends that I share with my bil, I always use to be Diane and T, and now I am Diane minus T. I just want to be Diane. Period. And it's hard. I felt like hanging around them was a trigger for my depression and that's really sad to me.
Yesterday, I went to church and then took the kids to the mall to buy some school clothes. I spent the afternoon reading my Sociology chapter and finishing my algebra homework.
My kids started school today! Yay!!!! I can go home at lunch to peace and quiet and read my bible; maybe we can even get into a nice routine. Be normal!!! I'm still super busy with school and church stuff, but at least the kids should be calming down a bit.

GRATITUDE
1. old friends
2. new friends
3. back to school for the kids!
4. my amazing church
5. I have a meeting tonight

Candy Finnigan is my hero

Seriously. I want to be her when I grow up. The show Intervention was an important part of me becoming sober. I would watch it and see what addiction was doing to the families. I didn’t want that to happen to my family because of me. I was also scared to death that someone was going to call the show on me, lol.
I watched an episode last night about a brother and a sister. They got the brother to agree to treatment and then they turned to the sister. She was the youngest of 6 siblings. Candy looked at her and said, “you’re the baby."(and I LOST it; haven't cried like that in a while, lol) "All your life all these people have taken care of you. Now it’s your time. It’s time to grow up and learn to take care of yourself.” That hit home. So very much. I am the baby. All my life I’ve had people taking care of me. Or I have been searching for someone to take care of me, never really wanting to take on the responsibility of taking care of myself.
This all goes together with the revelation I had a few weeks ago with all the drama…..how it’s time for me to grow up. It kinda gives me the reason why I need to grow up. I’m MY responsibility. Not anyone else’s. It’s time I take up that responsibility.

GRATITUDE
1. God
2. meeting with new photography group for breakfast at the beach tomorrow
3. meeting with high school friends for dinner tomorrow
4. got some frames on clearance yesterday so I actually may have some photos to sell next month at the craft fair
5. I got a 100 on my first sociology quiz!!!

Pain....

I thought the ligament in my ankle was getting better, very slowly, but getting better. I seem to have a lot of pain there today. I'm figuring I'll give it a few more weeks and then go back to the dr. Tonight I have no plans except for homework so I'll just sit and keep ice on it. Hopefully that will help.
I praise God, though, that that is the only pain I've been having. The deep, gut-wrenching pain of the last few months is gone. The way I have come from the depths of darkness and blackness and pain where I was, to where I am now.....well, it's nothing short of a miracle. It's all God.

GRATITUDE
1. I get to stay home tonight
2. I get to stay home tomorrow night (except for giving my son a ride to church)
3. my son offered to walk with my daughter to school to help her with her registration so I didn't need to take off work
4. we've had dinner at the table twice this week
5. we're really coming together as a family, getting along, having stupid fun; just every day stuff, just the 3 of us

Outta my head

I think I will survive algebra and sociology. I was quite overwhelmed yesterday when I saw I had 30 pages in my math book to do by Sunday at midnight, but once I started doing it, with just a couple of questions to the kids, it all started coming back........and I ENJOYED it!!! There's something about the feeling of victory when you get a problem right!! I think it has alot to do with my need for a sense of order, too.

This is the third day in a row that I have woken up without my first thought being about my ex. This is HUGE. For 7 years I spent every waking hour thinking about him and what I needed to do to make him happy and now it's finally, FINALLY stopping. I hope I don't make him sound like an ogre, he's not. He's the sweetest guy in the world. I'm the one who made the choice to put him above all other people/things in my life. I felt I had to so he would love me, which was false thinking. See, our entire relationship was in secret. Oh, by the end everyone knew. By the end it was a very open secret and only my youngest 2 kids didn't know about it. But because of that I was never secure in his love. With my past history of abuse and abandonment, I've always needed security, which this relationship didn't give me at all. So I felt I had to do whatever, be whatever he wanted me to be in order to make sure he loved me. ANYWAY, it's really nice finally getting him out of my head. It's answered prayer.

GRATITUDE
1. I like algebra!!!
2. every time I start feeling overwhelmed with it all, God reminds me to take a breath, say a prayer and trust in Him.
3. I have not called my ex once this week. Oh, I have talked to him a few times, but the important thing is I didn't call him. Huge.
4. I have awesome, smart kids who can help me with my homework
5. Just......God.

Monday

I started classes yesterday. So far, it seems like my online Sociology class is going to be the most stressful for me. The English class I think, will be really easy. It's really basic stuff. I go this afternoon for an introduction to the online algebra class.
I started to feel really overwhelmed by all I've taken on. I just cling to God and know I just need to trust in Him and He will guide me.
After school, I went to my meeting. Wonderful, as usual. I was thinking on the drive there how often I used to make excuses to NOT go places and how many times I just ditched things I had planned. Today, I would never even consider missing a meeting or church. Or anything else I have planned. It's just weird.

GRATITUDE
1. English class looks like it will be easy
2. Sociology looks daunting but I love a challenge
3. I woke up this morning with not a single thought of the ex. This is truly amazing.
4. my children were wonderful yesterday
5. the privilege of prayer

The weekend

It was very tiring but really wonderful. Seeing Third Day live finally was a dream. And on Saturday night, Skillet was UNBELIEVABLE!! As was Pastor Greg's messages both nights and seeing thousands of people each night respond to the altar call. We went to church on the beach Saturday morning. Because of the Crusade there weren't that many of us but it was very nice and low-key. Yesterday afternoon I went to an all-class reunion at my high school. It was great! There were only a few of us "young 'uns" but so much fun none the less. I graduated in 1981. The youngest people there were class of 83 and the oldest.......class of 1937!!!

I start school this afternoon. English class on Mon and Wed. I got the syllabus for my online Sociology class and need to get started on that work. Tomorrow I get the syllabus for my online Algebra class. I already have the assignments for my Intro to College course and have finished the first 2 assignments.

I've had some really bumpy moments recently with my depression but God is so amazingly awesome.....they don't last long once He gets my thinking straightened out again. It's just a matter of right-thinking; making sure my thoughts are the truth; having faith.

GRATITUDE
1. a super awesome weekend
2. starting school!
3. meeting tonight
4. patience with my kids
5. the kids start school next week! Ahhhh, normalcy, routine!

HARVEST CRUSADE

http://harvest.org/crusades This is where we will be tonight for Third Day and tomorrow night for Reliant K and Skillet. (you can watch the webcast at the link at 7pm pacific time each night). Tomorrow during the day we'll be at Harvest's Surf Fellowship, aka church on the beach!! Then Sunday, I have an "all-class" high school reunion in the afternoon!! Super packed weekend but I'm so blessed to be able to do all of this!!

GRATITUDE
1. still making good parenting decisions
2. my awesome church, Harvest Christian Fellowship
3. my perk of gas from my job which really helps me be able to do all of this stuff
4. the grocery store had Pink Lady apples and they are sooooo good!
5. God's little (sometimes big) thumps on the head

Peace

I seem to have found some. Although my schedule is crazy and will soon turn crazier, I have a deep inner peace with God these last few days. And any time it starts to slip away, He brings me right back to it.

GRATITUDE
1. God's provision
2. I have a super fun weekend coming up
3. Work has been slow enough that I have been able to get a bunch of other stuff done
4. I'm finding my voice and losing the shyness
5. patience, that God has been giving me in abundance

Self

There was a lot of drama going on over the weekend, too much to get into here, but suffice it to say God really worked overtime on me. The gist of it is....He made me realize how obsessed I've been with "self". Everything I did revolved around what I wanted people to think of me or say about me, to bring attention to me. I realized what a child I have been being the past 4 months since the break-up. How much unnecessary stress and drama and damage I have created. He broke my pride. It was like a switch flipped inside my head and I'm just over it. Ready to move on. My kids and I even hung out at the ex's house to watch the UFC fight on Sat. night. With him and his new girlfriend and her kids. AND we went to the pool with them on Sunday. I had never given his gf a chance. Every other time we were around each other I was too worried about making people think how strong and wonderful I was that I was even there dealing with it. This time it wasn't like that. My motives were pure. I was there because it was the right thing to do. It was normal. And it was wonderful. She's a very nice person and I actually think we will be friends. I'm not obsessing anymore, about them or me or others. All I want is to be a good example of a child of God and what He can do in someone's life. God is so awesome!!!

GRATITUDE
1. the sheer wonder and majesty of God
2. I've made some calm, good parenting decisions in the past few days, not caring if other people think I'm too strict, not caring if my kids aren't happy with the decisions
3. the weather has been absolutely beautiful!
4. I was able to be there for a friend last night instead of me being the needy one
5. my awesome sponsor

LOOK AT MY COUNTER!!!

3--6--5!!!!! Yes, 365 days, 1 year. That is my entire gratitude list today. Everything else pales in comparison!!

Answered prayer...

Sometimes when God answers prayers, it really hurts.

LABELS.....

I've been thinking alot about labels in the last day or so. I realized that I need to stop making my identity all about the labels I apply to myself. Yes, I am a sober addict/alcoholic, an abuse survivor. Yes these experiences are a part of me. But I don't want them to be what I'm all about. I want to stop being the VICTIM that I always portray myself to be. I am strong and brave, and dangit, I'm tired of acting like a whiny little baby. I am going to step out of the protective shell of these labels and let God show me who I really am.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY:
1) I feel strong, I feel tenacious, I feel done with all the self-pity
2) this will be the last quiet weekend for me for awhile, I'm going to enjoy it
3) My girl and I are having a girl's night in and watching movies tonight
4) we will do this while my boy is at church (again!)
5) I have an awesome job and an awesome boss!!

Thursday

Today, so far, has been a good day. I've finished everything I've started. That’s always a good thing.

I am on the email prayer chain at my church and one of the people they wanted to pray for had just lost 5 family members in a car crash. As I was praying, I was thinking, “how do you comfort someone like this? how do you pray for them?” It seemed to me that that no amount of comfort would help.

Then the name Job flashed in my mind. I thought of all Job lost, everything….EVERYTHING. And he suffered for years most likely. But in the end the Bible says, “So the LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the earlier. Job lived 140 years after this and saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. Then Job died, old and full of days. “ (Job 42:12,16-17).

I LOVE that! Job, through all his suffering and pain and grief never took his eyes off of God. And God knew his faithfulness. God blessed him for his faithfulness.

Now, I’m not sure how much that would comfort someone in the throes of grief like this man must be in. Honestly, all I can do is pray that God showers His love and peace down upon him.

But for me, with this long and tortuous road that I’m on, it brings me GREAT comfort. As I have been saying the past few days….I know God will not leave me here in this place. And I am fully committed to trusting Him, through whatever chaos and turmoil He sees fit to put me through, for however long He sees fit, even if it's for the rest of my life. I am completely convinced that there is a higher purpose to all the pain.

Today I am learning to find joy wherever I can. I'm not going to let one bad thing happening color my day black.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY
1) I got all of my textbooks ordered and they should be in next week
2) God is teaching me to trust Him in my finances and He is seeing me through
3) I’m going to do a little more Step 4 work tonight
4) I woke up late but not late enough to make me late for work, just enough to make me wear my hair in pigtails
5) the ligament I’ve torn in my ankle is feeling the teensiest better today

Today......

....I'm just...here. Not up, not down...just being. I had a few rough spots this morning with my emotions getting the best of me. I can close my eyes and clearly see myself walking--or trying to walk--on a ledge of slippery, dark, jagged rocks--with my foot being injured. It is very difficult and it hurts. But Jesus is right there with me, guiding me along. I can see the beautiful green meadow down below that I soooo want to get to. But He tells me I first need to learn how to navigate the rocks--and the only way to do that is by putting my trust completely in Him.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY:
1) I KNOW, without a doubt, that God is guiding me through this.
2) I am growing, bit by bit, each day.
3) The wonderful, encouraging comments I've received here from friends--both old and new.
4) My boy was soooo eager for church tonight.
5) My boy is actually seriously talking about finding a job....at 15!

This was from More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, the other day and it fits with where I have been at the past week or so:
"Maybe it's the experience, not the outcome that is the prize. If you're feeling a loss of strength or confidence, let go of the desperate need for a positive outcome in your life. Realize that this, too, will pass. Gain your strength from knowing that whether an event is good or bad, we're enriched by our experiences. Only we can choose to learn from them or allow resentment and foolish expectations to destroy their value."

BEING HONEST...

I just took a huge step and opened up my blog to some very special friends, most of whom don't know what I've been going through. My reason for this is two-fold. 1) after living most of my adult life hiding from everything, especially the truth, I find I am having an overwhelming need to make my life an open book; and, 2) if I can help just one person by sharing my journey....well, then it will all be worth it. I want people who are struggling to know they are not alone and all they need to do is reach out. God is there. Waiting.

What a difference a day makes.........

Thank you all for your wonderful responses to me yesterday. I took each one to heart and prayed about them. God led me to see I needed to see how far I've come in the last year, how there IS a huge change in me (for the better), and He has blessed me tremendously. I just need to hang on, persevere, trust. I had a pretty good breakdown going on yesterday afternoon until I read and prayed. Madison's response especially was the thump on the head I needed. I got to my meeting just barely on time, sat down, and my sponsor (who is the co-leader) said, "OK, Diane, you're leading the group tonight." I whined at her, "Not tonight. Any time but tonight." Because I was a MESS. But she's a tough one and doesn't care how much I whine or cry. I was doing it. Period. It was the most wonderful thing. Listening to everyone and sharing and.......I just love my meetings.

So, God has my head screwed on right today. I'm learning to turn EVERY thought over to the obedience of Christ. I've got both kids home together (finally!) and a nice, quiet night planned.

GRATITUDE:
1. that God brought me here and I started this blog so I could meet so many wonderful, supportive, honest people.
2. I bought 2 of my textbooks today!!
3. my awesome meeting group
4. God IS working in me and DOES have plans and a future for me; He WILL NOT leave me in this place.
5. 2 FREE tacos at Jack in the Box for lunch

Struggling....

I don't understand why I am still struggling so much, every single day, with this break-up. I DON'T want to be with him so what's my problem?!? I am so sick of all of it. I just want to stop my obsessive thoughts. The ONLY thing that got me through the weekend was that God kept directing me to go to my Bible. I went to the Psalms and to the things I had highlighted in the New Testament and I would feel hope and peace again. It was getting so bad yesterday evening I felt completely hopeless again. Ready to give up on God. I DO NOT like that!!

I'm doing better today though. I'm reading so many wonderful blog posts here. They are all just lifting up my soul.

My son is home!!!!! He got home Saturday evening and last night promptly went off to church and to spend the night at a friend's house so they could go to the beach with the High School ministry today! My girl, her friend, my friend and I all went to the Surf Fellowship on Saturday and it was wonderful. There were over 100 people there from church. It is sooo awesome having church on the beach!! The best part was that my friend sat in on the service and enjoyed it and liked what she heard and wants to come again AND wants to come to church with us!!!!

We didn't go tour the Navy destroyer because the wait was 2-3 hours! I am trying to heal a torn ligament in my ankle and could not have stood in line that long. My son and I just had a lazy day yesterday. Which is NOT conducive to my mental well-being.

I have my recovery meeting tonight. It's not AA and it's not Celebrate Recovery. It's their own thing using the 12 steps and the Life Recovery bible. I love it! But, I need to learn to call my sponsor more often. I haven't talked to her in over a week. I really need to pick up the phone. I'm not struggling with not drinking, it's so much more about the break-up than anything else. But I've never had to deal with life before without alcohol masking everything. Life is HARD!

But God is good. I KNOW He is working in me. I know He has a future for me. I just need to move it from the "knowing" in my mind to "believing" in my heart.