Saturday, September 19, 2009

The House of Sickness.....

My poor girl is down with the flu. Bad. Temp of over 103 for 2 days. Took her to the dr and she confirmed it's the flu, not strep. I went to pick up my son from church last night and while I was gone, my girl had a bloody nose (not unusual at all, she has them ALL the time) but she fainted. I'm sure it was a combination of being sick, not eating her dinner like she was supposed to, and the cold meds. She is doing so-so today. Fever is down to 101. It doesn't help that we're in the beginning of a heatwave. It should be hitting 110 from now until late next week. And I thought we were over the worst of it. No air conditioning sucks. If it gets too bad, I'll send the kids across the street to the ex's house. He has central air.

I went to the recovery worship service last night. It was great! There were about 30 of us. I couldn't help but keep thinking what a smile God must have on His face, seeing and hearing a roomful of what the world might consider some really "bad" sinners....drug addicts, alcoholics, ex-con's, ex-gang see and hear these people singing praises to Him. It gets me every time!

1. that my girl is ok
2. that my son and I so far show no signs of getting sick
3. that I have a house to live in that's mine, regardless of whether the air conditioner works
4. God is redirecting my focus back to where it should be
5. By God's grace I survived this past week.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


So far my vacation has been ok. I've been getting alot done around the house. Today I'm taking a break. Just gonna work on some homework. I've struggled all week. I'm still smoking. I went one whole day without caffeine but told myself I couldn't handle the headache. It was just an excuse. What I really NEED to do is apply the 12 steps to these two things and start trusting that God will pull me through.

Monday was a pretty bad day and today started off that way. I finally figured out why this breakup is so hard for me. It's not the fact that I'm not with him anymore, I don't WANT to be with him. It's that, since the relationship was all in secret, I feel like I was never good enough. I tried so hard for so long to be perfect for him, to make him love me, and I was never good enough. It just fed into everything I've been told all my life...that I wasn't good enough.

My ex has been asking me for a few days what's been wrong with me so I decided to tell him how I felt I was never good enough to be his girlfriend. He reminded me that we made a deal early on to keep it secret because we didn't want my kids to get hurt. That what he has with his new gf is an entirely different situation. That I need to stop comparing. That I was always good enough, in fact, I was too good. It made me put my focus back on the truth. It's just that the self-esteem thing is so deeply ingrained in me, it's soooo easy to fall right back into.

What really made me pull through this is that God finally got to me last night and made me see that I AM good enough. That is not the problem. That is the enemy trying to steal my joy. The thing isn't how much T loved me, it's how much God loved me. If God didn't love me, He would have left me in the sin of that relationship. But He does love me and he pulled me out of it. He left me in it long enough for me to be at this place I am at right now. If I hadn't gone through that relationship and the hell and pain of the last 6 months, I wouldn't be so much closer to being who He wants me to be. I have to go through this fire. He has plans for me. I AM good enough in God's eyes. I AM whole. I need to ask God to help me see myself as He sees me. That's the only important thing. Whenever I start to feel anger or bitterness or envy over what they have, I need to turn to God and thank Him for pulling me out of it.

1. God's amazing love
2. I am NOT broken.
3. My house is starting to really look nice
4. My yard is weeded and cleaned up
5. I've got all my photos framed and ready to try and sell at a craft fair on Saturday

Friday, September 11, 2009


Depression is a new thing to me, too. I've always had mild times of depression, but always related to hormones. And my doctor's tell me now, it's more a grieving process added to all my out of whack hormones. That's why anti-depressants were such a bad thing for me, they say. I didn't really need them. I know they work for alot of people, just not me. This is just something I need to work through.

I did get some really good advice from my counselor a few months back. Try deep breathing exercises, positive affirmations, exercise (especially walking), and eating healthier. All of these things have helped me. The main thing, though, is not isolating yourself, not feeling sorry for yourself, realizing that you WILL get through it. Stay plugged in to God and to life.

Clarification: the meeting I go to on Friday nights isn't really a meeting, I just call it that for convenience sake. It is an actual church service FOR alcoholics/addicts. We do worship and then the pastor gives a message specifically geared to the struggles we as people in recovery face. The steps are not discussed. Now my meetings on Mondays are Christian-based step studies and we work out of the Life Recovery Bible. We work the steps and we share, but it is not AA or Celebrate Recovery.

1) last day of Surf Fellowship tomorrow
2) I've slept straight through the night (11-4) for 2 nights in a row
3) got some great deals on chicken and steak at the store
4) I'm on vacation next week!!
5) that my blog may help someone

Thursday, September 10, 2009

So hard sometimes....

First of all, Disneyland was a blast!!! We got an electric wheelchair because of my torn ligament and what a blessing! We went on almost every single ride, got to see the Fantasmic show and the fireworks. It was great!

The down side to everything is that for the past few weeks I've been slowly spiralling down with my depression and finally hit the bottom on Saturday. I thought I had a handle on it. But with my mom in the hospital and not doing all that great last week and an argument with the ex, it just sent me way down. I've had that deep down, gut-wrenching pain inside, too. Just that overwhelming sadness.

The upside to it all is that God is pulling me through. On Saturday, I spent most of the day just crying out to Him. It was the worst day I've had since the bad reaction to the anti-depressants sent me to the mental hospital in June. It was deep and dark. But as I lay my head down on my pillow that night, I heard God say He delighted in me. I argued. How could He possibly delight in me. Look at me. I was on the verge of crazy again. He told me to look at all the things I did RIGHT that day.....I clung to Him, I stayed in His Word, I picked up the phone, I asked for help and encouragment from my sponsor and a Christian friend, I didn't act on my feelings, I didn't drink, or take something to help me go to sleep. I went to bed overwhelmed with His peace and His love.

I've been doing better the past few days. Every now and then the sadness threatens to overtake me. But I just turn to God and believe in His promises to me. It's going to be a long bumpy road, but I'll make it.

On the physical front, my ankle is doing so-so. Some days are good, some aren't. I've been dealing with headaches and a backache for the last two days. It feels like I'm trying to catch a cold but I don't. I'm healthy as a horse so nothing ever really catches on. The heat has gotten much better so I'm not exhausted because of that anymore.

Next week will by trying. I'm taking a week off to do my fall cleaning (mainly because I want to take some time off before my boss leaves for his over one month long vacation). I'm going to try and quit caffeine and nicotine. I have to do them together. There's no other way. So prayer for that would really be appreciated!!

School is going really well. I'm really enjoying it. And our schedule seems to have calmed down into somewhat of a routine.

1) my mom is doing a little better
2) had really nice email conversations with my sisters today
3) finished enough of my homework for this week that I can take this little break
4) my Friday night meetings are starting again tomorrow after taking the summer off (they're pretty much a church service and they're awesome!)
5) God's peace

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I can't believe I've been gone so long. I've been struggling with a few things this past week. My mom had surgery on Monday to remove 8" of her intestines; she's in MN and I'm here in CA and it's just not right. She's doing ok. My air condition went kaput last Thurs and it's been over 110 since then; outside and inside my house. We had computer problems at work for a day or two. My finances are a wreck right now. And, I've really been struggling with my walk with God. I just want to trust Him and obey Him and TOTALLY live my life for Him and I fall so short with every single breath I take. I think all of this was just a little bit of a downward spiral with my depression and hormones (which I feel, are a tool of the devil!). I'm doing better today.
I've also been swamped with school work. I'm enjoying it soooo much, though.
The kids and I, and my bff from high school are going to Disneyland on Friday for my bday!!! I am sooooooooooo excited!!! I haven't been for at least 5 or 6 years, probably more than that.

Now.....back to the grind!