Thursday, September 10, 2009

So hard sometimes....

First of all, Disneyland was a blast!!! We got an electric wheelchair because of my torn ligament and what a blessing! We went on almost every single ride, got to see the Fantasmic show and the fireworks. It was great!

The down side to everything is that for the past few weeks I've been slowly spiralling down with my depression and finally hit the bottom on Saturday. I thought I had a handle on it. But with my mom in the hospital and not doing all that great last week and an argument with the ex, it just sent me way down. I've had that deep down, gut-wrenching pain inside, too. Just that overwhelming sadness.

The upside to it all is that God is pulling me through. On Saturday, I spent most of the day just crying out to Him. It was the worst day I've had since the bad reaction to the anti-depressants sent me to the mental hospital in June. It was deep and dark. But as I lay my head down on my pillow that night, I heard God say He delighted in me. I argued. How could He possibly delight in me. Look at me. I was on the verge of crazy again. He told me to look at all the things I did RIGHT that day.....I clung to Him, I stayed in His Word, I picked up the phone, I asked for help and encouragment from my sponsor and a Christian friend, I didn't act on my feelings, I didn't drink, or take something to help me go to sleep. I went to bed overwhelmed with His peace and His love.

I've been doing better the past few days. Every now and then the sadness threatens to overtake me. But I just turn to God and believe in His promises to me. It's going to be a long bumpy road, but I'll make it.

On the physical front, my ankle is doing so-so. Some days are good, some aren't. I've been dealing with headaches and a backache for the last two days. It feels like I'm trying to catch a cold but I don't. I'm healthy as a horse so nothing ever really catches on. The heat has gotten much better so I'm not exhausted because of that anymore.

Next week will by trying. I'm taking a week off to do my fall cleaning (mainly because I want to take some time off before my boss leaves for his over one month long vacation). I'm going to try and quit caffeine and nicotine. I have to do them together. There's no other way. So prayer for that would really be appreciated!!

School is going really well. I'm really enjoying it. And our schedule seems to have calmed down into somewhat of a routine.

1) my mom is doing a little better
2) had really nice email conversations with my sisters today
3) finished enough of my homework for this week that I can take this little break
4) my Friday night meetings are starting again tomorrow after taking the summer off (they're pretty much a church service and they're awesome!)
5) God's peace


  1. Depression is a bad thing. But I'm glad that yours is passing. I'm glad that you know God is there for you.

  2. You have so much going on. And then, to quit nicotene and caffeine at the same time. What an awesome journey you are on.

  3. Do I understand that your AA meetings are like church services? To this non-religous recovering alkie, that doesn't sound right.

  4. Hey you go to the Crossing? But they didn't take the summer probably not...

    I LOVED your solution here. Depression is something new for me...and it's not easy to get through. It's been affecting my sleep, so I'm gonna try your method tonite. Ask God the question...what did I do right today?

  5. hugs to you; you did the right thing to turn to God instead of other things; I know how hard depression can be to deal with; it is awesome you are feeling God's peace and provision during this time

    I admire you for giving up nicotine and caffeine together; will try to remember to say a prayer for you during this time


  6. I believe that God allows us to get into those small depressive states just so that we can stop focusing on all the business of our lives and focus only on Him. I think He wants us to remind ourselves that He is our strongest crutch to lean on. I can have a great two or three weeks and then it's like everything hits at once and I've lost control and indecision and depressions once again sets in.

    Thank goodness He is always there to hear our cries and embrace us. I am so thrilled you had an incredible trip to Disney!! :o) I'm proud of you for your strength and ability to give up nicotine AND caffeine. I still have yet to give up one. You go girl!

  7. Well, I don't drink, don't smoke. But I do not yet have a desire to quit nicotine. Without that drug, I'm depressed...guess I need "coffee anonymous"...and I'm not joking.

    Please keep writing about your depressions, and recoveries--from all these things. It IS helpful.