Friday, July 31, 2009

Learning, growing, changing

Last night was a pretty rough one. It was my ex's birthday (he is also my ex-brother-in-law and best friend for 20 years; and still my best friend;long story I'll get into later). A little background: We broke up in March. It was a good thing. It was a God-thing. The problem was that after 6 years with me, he turns around and gets a new girlfriend within 2 months of us breaking up, which sent me into a deep downward spiral of depression, which included a very bad reaction (mentally) to some anti-depressants I was put on. I weaned myself off of them and have been fairly ok since the middle of June. I have my days of self-pity but God always brings me back around with His promises. SO, last night, it was his birthday and he wanted me to go to taco night. Something we have been doing as a family for years every week, but which I haven't been a part of since we broke up. God put it in my heart that I needed to go AND to not feel sorry for myself while there. Not do the whole "poor me, this is so hard for me" crap. None of the "please love me, please like me" crap. I went and I didn't. I can't say I had a great time, it was ok. I've conquered it and don't feel the need to go again. God used it to show me how I really need to move on, I don't need to be a part of that crowd anymore. He is so amazing.

The battle with teenage PMS rages on. Last night I was told I'm a mean mom and I'm too strict and I never let her go anywhere. Huh? What? I got angry, I let my feelings be hurt. For a few minutes. I went outside to water so I could calm down and pray and God made me realize that she's a TEENAGER. It's ok if she hates me. She's GOING to hate me. I just need to stick with what I believe is best for her.

My poor son is in Denver. He has been stuck there for almost 2 weeks. Three weeks ago he went with his cousin (who's a longhaul truck driver) for what we thought would be 2 weeks of driving around the country. That was until the truck broke. It's taken the dealer this long to get the part and fix the truck. So, now they have a truck but no load to bring back as of yet. Hopefully they will get one today and be on their way home. God has used this time of him being away to strengthen me. To make me be a little more self-sufficient. My son is my rock and what keeps me grounded. I've learned to lean on God so much more since he's been gone.

1. that God continues to remind me that everything that has happened in my life has brought me to this point.
2. that today is Friday! and I'm going to the beach with church tomorrow and on Sunday we're going to tour a navy destroyer!
3. that my son should be home soon

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The PMS Monster

I was never this bad, was I? In my early teens? Naw, I couldn't have been. My poor father!!

I left my sweet, wonderful 12-year old at her big sister's house on Sunday for a visit. I picked her up yesterday. I SWEAR my eldest pulled the old switcheroo on me. There is NO WAY the disrespectful, nasty, mean, selfish, angry, sobbing kid I brought home yesterday was my dear, sweet,
sunshine-y little baby. No way. I want my child back!!!!

This is what I get to enjoy for a week out of every month until she's old enough to move out? Oy!!! I mean, I know I've been praying for patience lately. But this is going a little too far, don't you think, God?

My first post!!!!!

I have been making life SUCH a struggle lately. I know it's not all me, some of it is the enemy, some of it is God's testing. But alot of it is me. My thought life. My obsessive thought-life. Why do I think everything is about me? Why do I constantly obsess about what other people are thinking or feeling about me? I mean, they MUST be thinking about me right?

I am listening to God and learning to take these thoughts captive in obedience to Him. Not shoving my feelings down, but taking whatever thought it is, analyzing it as compared to what I know His truth is and then choosing to believe His truth above all else. So don't get me wrong, it has gotten better.

I just had a little bump in the road for the past week. I just got sooooo tired of struggling. My Recovery Devotional Bible says that this is normal. If I wasn't struggling so, I wouldn't be making any progress. I AM changing and tiny little ways...each and every day.