So far my vacation has been ok. I've been getting alot done around the house. Today I'm taking a break. Just gonna work on some homework. I've struggled all week. I'm still smoking. I went one whole day without caffeine but told myself I couldn't handle the headache. It was just an excuse. What I really NEED to do is apply the 12 steps to these two things and start trusting that God will pull me through.
Monday was a pretty bad day and today started off that way. I finally figured out why this breakup is so hard for me. It's not the fact that I'm not with him anymore, I don't WANT to be with him. It's that, since the relationship was all in secret, I feel like I was never good enough. I tried so hard for so long to be perfect for him, to make him love me, and I was never good enough. It just fed into everything I've been told all my life...that I wasn't good enough.
My ex has been asking me for a few days what's been wrong with me so I decided to tell him how I felt I was never good enough to be his girlfriend. He reminded me that we made a deal early on to keep it secret because we didn't want my kids to get hurt. That what he has with his new gf is an entirely different situation. That I need to stop comparing. That I was always good enough, in fact, I was too good. It made me put my focus back on the truth. It's just that the self-esteem thing is so deeply ingrained in me, it's soooo easy to fall right back into.
What really made me pull through this is that God finally got to me last night and made me see that I AM good enough. That is not the problem. That is the enemy trying to steal my joy. The thing isn't how much T loved me, it's how much God loved me. If God didn't love me, He would have left me in the sin of that relationship. But He does love me and he pulled me out of it. He left me in it long enough for me to be at this place I am at right now. If I hadn't gone through that relationship and the hell and pain of the last 6 months, I wouldn't be so much closer to being who He wants me to be. I have to go through this fire. He has plans for me. I AM good enough in God's eyes. I AM whole. I need to ask God to help me see myself as He sees me. That's the only important thing. Whenever I start to feel anger or bitterness or envy over what they have, I need to turn to God and thank Him for pulling me out of it.
1. God's amazing love
2. I am NOT broken.
3. My house is starting to really look nice
4. My yard is weeded and cleaned up
5. I've got all my photos framed and ready to try and sell at a craft fair on Saturday
Hello out there
1 year ago