So far my vacation has been ok. I've been getting alot done around the house. Today I'm taking a break. Just gonna work on some homework. I've struggled all week. I'm still smoking. I went one whole day without caffeine but told myself I couldn't handle the headache. It was just an excuse. What I really NEED to do is apply the 12 steps to these two things and start trusting that God will pull me through.
Monday was a pretty bad day and today started off that way. I finally figured out why this breakup is so hard for me. It's not the fact that I'm not with him anymore, I don't WANT to be with him. It's that, since the relationship was all in secret, I feel like I was never good enough. I tried so hard for so long to be perfect for him, to make him love me, and I was never good enough. It just fed into everything I've been told all my life...that I wasn't good enough.
My ex has been asking me for a few days what's been wrong with me so I decided to tell him how I felt I was never good enough to be his girlfriend. He reminded me that we made a deal early on to keep it secret because we didn't want my kids to get hurt. That what he has with his new gf is an entirely different situation. That I need to stop comparing. That I was always good enough, in fact, I was too good. It made me put my focus back on the truth. It's just that the self-esteem thing is so deeply ingrained in me, it's soooo easy to fall right back into.
What really made me pull through this is that God finally got to me last night and made me see that I AM good enough. That is not the problem. That is the enemy trying to steal my joy. The thing isn't how much T loved me, it's how much God loved me. If God didn't love me, He would have left me in the sin of that relationship. But He does love me and he pulled me out of it. He left me in it long enough for me to be at this place I am at right now. If I hadn't gone through that relationship and the hell and pain of the last 6 months, I wouldn't be so much closer to being who He wants me to be. I have to go through this fire. He has plans for me. I AM good enough in God's eyes. I AM whole. I need to ask God to help me see myself as He sees me. That's the only important thing. Whenever I start to feel anger or bitterness or envy over what they have, I need to turn to God and thank Him for pulling me out of it.
GRATITUDE:
1. God's amazing love
2. I am NOT broken.
3. My house is starting to really look nice
4. My yard is weeded and cleaned up
5. I've got all my photos framed and ready to try and sell at a craft fair on Saturday
Still Sober...
7 years ago
HUgs, always happy to hear form you and glad you stopped by again. This self esteem thing I know to well. I had worked hard for it, however when a few outside issues piled and I lived with an active alcoholic it suffered greatly.He made me feel I wasnt good enough. By now I know I have emotional limits and working for an cocaine addict and living with an alcoholic for sure is to much for everyone and has nothing to do how good I am. For sure I am absolutely fine as I am. He I never thought I could stop smoking and now I am going close to 5 months. Keep you in my thoughts. Love across the pond
ReplyDeleteIt would be fab you joining into the walking. it is great, takes your mind off, let your see things differently and I use by now the staircase and not the elevator anymore - well I life on the fifth floor!! Would be great. Love Paula
ReplyDeletekeep it up
ReplyDeleteYou're on the right track...keep going forward. Faith is walking through tough times before we know how it all ends up. Trust the process. The truth will set you free!
ReplyDeleteMy sponsor suggested I stand in front of the mirror and say "I am worthy and I deserve so much better!" It took a year before I was comfortable saying it. Now I know it's true!
wonderful insight about figuring it out that in God's eyes, you are whole, and how much he loves you....the enemy does like to play games with us so we have to be alert to his schemes
ReplyDeleteif you want to give up caffeine, do it gradually; when I went from caffeinated to decaf coffee, I "thinned" down the caffeinated bit by bit in the pots I made, adding more decaf as I got used to it. just a thought
glad you are getting things done around the house and also taking some time for you during your vacation
betty
Just keep telling yourself that he does have good plans for you. And, don't cold turkey the caffeine. That's just a terrible experience.
ReplyDelete