Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Outta my head

I think I will survive algebra and sociology. I was quite overwhelmed yesterday when I saw I had 30 pages in my math book to do by Sunday at midnight, but once I started doing it, with just a couple of questions to the kids, it all started coming back........and I ENJOYED it!!! There's something about the feeling of victory when you get a problem right!! I think it has alot to do with my need for a sense of order, too.

This is the third day in a row that I have woken up without my first thought being about my ex. This is HUGE. For 7 years I spent every waking hour thinking about him and what I needed to do to make him happy and now it's finally, FINALLY stopping. I hope I don't make him sound like an ogre, he's not. He's the sweetest guy in the world. I'm the one who made the choice to put him above all other people/things in my life. I felt I had to so he would love me, which was false thinking. See, our entire relationship was in secret. Oh, by the end everyone knew. By the end it was a very open secret and only my youngest 2 kids didn't know about it. But because of that I was never secure in his love. With my past history of abuse and abandonment, I've always needed security, which this relationship didn't give me at all. So I felt I had to do whatever, be whatever he wanted me to be in order to make sure he loved me. ANYWAY, it's really nice finally getting him out of my head. It's answered prayer.

1. I like algebra!!!
2. every time I start feeling overwhelmed with it all, God reminds me to take a breath, say a prayer and trust in Him.
3. I have not called my ex once this week. Oh, I have talked to him a few times, but the important thing is I didn't call him. Huge.
4. I have awesome, smart kids who can help me with my homework
5. Just......God.


  1. Shhhh...I like algebra too...

    Good for you with the whole ex thing. That's huge!

  2. I like reading your gratitude lists; so glad algebra is going good; it is hard sometimes to trust and let go and let God, isn't it? so glad he reminds us during those times to trust in him

    thanks for visiting my blog; I can't imagine a corgi being mean, stubborn and food driven yes, LOL

    enjoy the day :)


  3. Oh! What a relief it can be. Carry on. Bless you.

  4. I think it's so great that you've gone back to school. I am in awe! To have an obsession removed really is a gift from God. We cannot stop ourselves from thinking about those things. What a relief it must be for you!

  5. So many things to be thankful for on this fine Wednesday. Never stop learning. I like the trusting God part. He's got you covered.

  6. I understand what you wrote about needing to be loved and having to change myself to please others and get their love. It's a big drain on energy and psyche. I'm thankful to not be obsessing these days. Life is much better when I don't.