Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A few bumps in the road...

My eldest and I have a pact that we would always spend Christmas Eve/Christmas morning together, no matter what, no matter how many children she has, where we are, we'll be together. She called me last night and told me that her great-grandmother (who is 96) offered to pay her way to visit her in Ohio, but she would have to leave on Christmas Eve. My daughter was so sweet and before telling her yes, called me to ask my permission. I was heart-broken but I couldn't keep her from it, so I didn't let on and told her by all means go. My issue is that I have in my mind that the holidays are going to be tough for me this year, the first since the break-up and all. I was upset last night. Very. But when I woke up this morning, God put a new thought in my mind and that was that it will all be ok. The younger two and I will be fine and I need to stop thinking that it's going to be so bad.
The other bump was when the kids and I were watching home movies from when they were little. I guess their dad (who I haven't heard from in almost 2 years; he's the abusive one) visited us when I was videotaping. Seeing him on the tv sent me into a near panic attack. I had to leave the room and I cried. I realized I have not seen or talked to him since being sober. That I had used the alcohol to numb all the feelings about what he did to me and now being sober I HAVE to deal with it. It only lasted a minute and I was fine but it reinforces something I've been feeling alot of lately and that is my issues are turning out to be so much more from the domestic violence than from the alcohol abuse. And I'm leaning more in the direction of counseling and helping women who are dealing with abuse, than helping people in addiction.
I think my girl realized I had an issue with their father and told her brother to fast forward through that part. We had the most fun at dinner than we've had in a long time. I haven't laughed so hard in forever. My kids were (are!) such dorks. So even with the little bumps in the road last night, we had a WONDERFUL evening.
1) God can and will shift my wrong attitudes/thinking about things
2) God helps me see my selfishness
3) I am lucky enough to own a video camera so that we can look back at our wonderful memories and have so much fun doing it
4) my sweet, sweet eldest girl who thought of me first
5) the VIKINGS are 5-0!!!!!!!!!! Going all the way, baby!!!!


  1. Diane thanks for sharing. Recovery isn't always easy and sometimes the lessons we have to learn are painful but you were able to learn from the lessons with graditude and understanding. Alcohol is a very small part of our problem, alcohol was the blinder we used to not see the deeper pains. You take away the alcohol and you still have the hurt, shame, fear, selfishness, resentments and the lot. It is with God's help and working the 12 steps that we are able to address the things that still keep us sick and move on to healthier and happier lives. Remember you never have to go back to being that sick person you were in that video.

    Little experience, strength and hope here. Expectations can be a real serenity buster. If we set our expectations too high on things that we want to happen and then they don't it can cause us a lot of suffering. It is alright to make plans but we shouldn't put too much merit on the outcome, things happen for different reasons so sometimes things just don't work out the way we would like them to. Making statements with words like "always" and "never" can lead to disappointment. I may have plans to spend time with my daughter, granddaughter and mother at Christmas but I can't gurantee that will happen. I have learned to accept that the world and God's plans don't revolve around my wishes and I have to make the most with the moment at hand. God gives me the choice to be has happy or as miserable as I want. My serenity, inter peace is directly proportional to my expectations. I am not saying this to criticize you but to share my understanding of expectations and those of other people in recovery.

    Prayers and blessing to you

  2. God can use you in a very special way. There are many, many abused women alcoholics in the rooms of AA. They need someone with just your experience, strength, and hope.


  3. This will be my first Christmas alone EVER and just reading this makes me feel sad again. Getting to acceptance has been a process for me, but I keep telling myself it's just another day. I am finding peace in trusting that God has a plan...even if I don't know what it is yet! Your willingness will take you right where God wants you to be...

  4. Believe me, God does use us if we are open and willing dear one. Great post. Blesses me. Thank you!