Busy, busy.........

Today is a bullet point day....
~~My boss got back from China and we started the navel orange season so I've been super busy at work. Which is nice for a change.

~~I've had my ups and downs. I just cling to God during the downs and know that they won't last forever.

~~School is going great! I'm getting an A in English, B in Sociology and B in Algebra

~~Since I haven't been going to meetings I feel alot freer. I don't know why. But I do. So I'm just going to focus on women's bible study on Thursday nights, small home group every other Friday, and regular church on Sunday. I've done this the last two weeks and it has been wonderful.

~~Tomorrow my girl with go with bil trick or treating and my boy and I are volunteering at my church's alternative to Halloween carnival.


~~I actually had to turn my heater on yesterday morning. It was 40! (I know, I know but for here in So Cali that's pretty darn cold!) The only thing wrong with the weather is the dang wind. Which. I. Hate. With a passion.

~~I've lost 10 lbs in the last 3 months!!!!

~~And lastly.......the Vikings are so gonna kick the Pack's butts on Sunday!

Roxy...

This is Roxy. She's my girl's dog. She's a spaz. She is the ONLY one who is excited at 4 a.m. when I get up. So today she got a treat. I took her on my walk with me. It was a very short walk because of my leg but she was soooo happy! I think I'll take her with me every morning.

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Had a little bump in the road yesterday talking with my bil about Thanksgiving and realizing that I just don't want to be at his girlfriend's house. Thanksgiving has been MY holiday for the past three years. When I hung up, I cried. Hard. God is so amazing. He told me it was ok to cry, it was ok to hurt and He just let me cry. I could feel His arms around me, comforting me and then I was done. I accepted the truth that I didn't want to be there on Thanksgiving and that my kids will just have to learn to deal with our new reality. I decided we would go to the movies and to Yardhouse (if they're open). After that, I had a wonderful afternoon/evening. My girl, whose been on the PMS/teenager train lately, was an absolute sweetheart yesterday. My boy was grumpy and tired; I'm hoping he's not coming down with something. I did my homework for bible study, algebra homework, cooked dinner (spaghetti) and watched Dancing with the Stars.

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GRATITUDE

1) God's comfort

2) my girl's sweetness and sunshine

3) Roxy, for keeping me company and always making me laugh

Monday, Monday.....

We had a really nice weekend! My girl and I stayed in on Friday night and caught up on all of our dvr'd shows while my boy went to church. Saturday we worked in the yard....with NO complaining!! They finagled me into going to the mall...."just to look, so you can write things down for Christmas." Yes I got snookered. I agreed with the proviso that I got to go to Godiva and buy my Dark Chocolate Decadence drink and they didn't get any. So we went, and we walked, and walked, and I wrote. We got along. It was so nice (except my leg just can't handle walking AT ALL). After dinner, I did homework and they went across the street and spent the night with my nephew's fiance and her sister. I went to church yesterday morning, ran home to pick my son up and take him to church. Watched the Vikings game (BOOO-YA!!!!!) and did homework. My boy stayed at church all day long because Stellar Kart was playing the 6pm service. He got to sit in on their sound check AND he got my girl and I in early so I didn't have to stand in line. The show was amazing, the message was even more amazing. All of it, the whole weekend, was just so.....NICE. And I LIKE nice!!!

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GRATITUDE:

1) that my words can encourage people

2) NICE!

3) it's cooling off a little for a few days (it was over 100 on Thur, Fri, and Sat)

4) my boy had such a fun, memorable time yesterday

5) my girl and I got along ALL weekend!

It's Friday.....

We were supposed to go to a football game tonight. My alma mater's homecoming game. Against my kid's school. BUT my girl texted me and said she's not feeling that great and she really sounded like crap on the phone when she woke up, so I think I'm going to make a "mom executive decision" and we'll just stay home. It's really funny. For the past 6 months I have NOT wanted to sit around at home. I wanted to be busy, busy, busy. Well, it's caught up with me and I'm burnt out. I'm so glad this weekend is looking really easy. Boy has hockey coaching and church tomorrow, then I have church on Sun morning. My boy will stay at church all day so he can snag us a good place in line for church that night. StellarKart will be there, so it will be alot of fun.

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Women's bible study last night was awesome. We are studying the book of John. The teaching was all about obedience and it was perfectly timed. I had been feeling like chucking everything, my meetings, all of it. I was just having the feeling I didn't need it anymore. I had asked God for some clear direction on this. He came through (no surprise!). My sponsor texted me last night (after her not answering me for over a week) AND my counselor, who I haven't been to in months because I can't afford it, called me to see how I was doing. When I told her why I hadn't been back, she cut my fee and told me to pay what I could. So obviously this was all a thump on the head by God to let me know I can't do it by myself (duh). My problem had been that I felt I was dwelling on my addiction and abuse too much. I don't want them to be what defines me, I was putting myself into a box, and I started fighting against it. What I need to do is realize that these things ARE a part of me, and I do have to deal with them, but they are not ALL I am. So, my decision is to get back to my home meeting when volleyball is over and to get back to counseling twice a month.

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From "Proverbs 31 Woman" email devotion:

"There's no place you can go that God can't follow. No heartbreak, no betrayal, no refection, no failure, no disappointment, and no evil can stop Him from coming near. God will always come. He cannot fail you. He will never quit you, never forget you, and never leave you. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

WOW.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's thumps on the head

2) lessons hopefully learned in bible study

3) a quiet weekend

4) I get to leave work at noon today

5) ALL OF YOU!!!!!! you all encourage and uplift me daily. THANK YOU!!

I'm ok.....

The depression passed so quickly yesterday. God is SOOOOO good!!! I went to my English class and I was fine. I'm really enjoying that class actually. Then I picked up my son, took him to church, picked my daughter up from volleyball practice, went home, ate dinner, did the dishes, read, and picked up my son at 9. Wednesdays are my busy days. The book I was reading was by Elizabeth George, Loving God With All Your Mind. I just started it. The first chapter was all about thinking on the truth. And that is pretty much what I have been trying to do. God was just reinforcing it to me. When I stay focused on God's truth and not let the lies of the enemy slip in; when I dwell on the truth and not what my mind is making up....THAT is when I am truly living my life.
I made a decision last night, too. I am so burned-out with all my running around that I've decided to forgo my meetings on Mondays until my girl's volleyball is over in November. I didn't go this past week and the extra time with my kids was priceless.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's truth and grace

2) Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream....seriously

3) Women's bible study tonight

4) I was able to pay a few of my credit cards today AND since there is an extra pay period this month, and the end of the month I will have a little extra money

5) I have one or two more quiet weeks here at work before navel season starts.

Pain....

From "Power of a Praying Woman" calendar:

"Tough times happen to everyone at one time or another. Pain and loss are a part of life. There are many different reasons why these things occur, but God is always there to bring good out of it when we invite Him to. If we understand the different possibilities for our suffering, it will help us overcome our pain and see our faith grow in the midst of it."

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Gut-wrenching pain....again. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, BAM! A feeling of wanting to rewind the past year, do it different, no break-up, the feeling of "what will I do without him", "how can I go on". I rebuke, I pray, I give it up. And it passes.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God has plans and reasons for everything and it is not my place to know them, but only to trust Him.

2) finished all the reports my boss needs for his overseas trip this week

3) I am done with my homework for the week, except to keep working on my research project.

A few bumps in the road...

My eldest and I have a pact that we would always spend Christmas Eve/Christmas morning together, no matter what, no matter how many children she has, where we are, we'll be together. She called me last night and told me that her great-grandmother (who is 96) offered to pay her way to visit her in Ohio, but she would have to leave on Christmas Eve. My daughter was so sweet and before telling her yes, called me to ask my permission. I was heart-broken but I couldn't keep her from it, so I didn't let on and told her by all means go. My issue is that I have in my mind that the holidays are going to be tough for me this year, the first since the break-up and all. I was upset last night. Very. But when I woke up this morning, God put a new thought in my mind and that was that it will all be ok. The younger two and I will be fine and I need to stop thinking that it's going to be so bad.
The other bump was when the kids and I were watching home movies from when they were little. I guess their dad (who I haven't heard from in almost 2 years; he's the abusive one) visited us when I was videotaping. Seeing him on the tv sent me into a near panic attack. I had to leave the room and I cried. I realized I have not seen or talked to him since being sober. That I had used the alcohol to numb all the feelings about what he did to me and now being sober I HAVE to deal with it. It only lasted a minute and I was fine but it reinforces something I've been feeling alot of lately and that is my issues are turning out to be so much more from the domestic violence than from the alcohol abuse. And I'm leaning more in the direction of counseling and helping women who are dealing with abuse, than helping people in addiction.
I think my girl realized I had an issue with their father and told her brother to fast forward through that part. We had the most fun at dinner than we've had in a long time. I haven't laughed so hard in forever. My kids were (are!) such dorks. So even with the little bumps in the road last night, we had a WONDERFUL evening.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God can and will shift my wrong attitudes/thinking about things

2) God helps me see my selfishness

3) I am lucky enough to own a video camera so that we can look back at our wonderful memories and have so much fun doing it

4) my sweet, sweet eldest girl who thought of me first

5) the VIKINGS are 5-0!!!!!!!!!! Going all the way, baby!!!!

The weekend...

I had a fabulously normal weekend! Did chores, laundry, homework, bbq'd steak for me and the kids, went to church, went to see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D, sat outside while my kids threw the football back and forth, put up my fall decorations. It was nice and quiet and relaxing. Now back to the grind!

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GRATITUDE:

1) a wonderful weekend

2) my bathroom door is fixed (it was falling off it's hinges; bil came and fixed it on Sat.

3) it's supposed to rain this week!!

4) I decided on a subject for my research paper for Sociology: global violence against women

5) factoring trinomials has gotten easier with practice!

Factoring trinomials......

Seriously, when will I EVER in my life have to factor a trinomial??? I was at the point of tears last night with frustration. I stopped my homework, took a break, read a few verses in my Bible and prayed and went back to it and got it done. And it did get easier with the last few problems. Thankfully I have no plans this weekend except for homework, driving my son to church tonight and tomorrow night, taking him to coach hockey tomorrow afternoon, going to church myself on Sunday morning and then to the movies. Gee, that looks like alot now that I've written it out, but really, it's not. It will be a pretty relaxing weekend, praise God!!

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Gratitude:
1) the awesome comments y'all posted yesterday
2) I got through my algebra chapter without crying
3) it is sooooooo slow here today I'll probably leave at noon
4) the weather is STILL beautiful
5) while God is giving me such peace and a sense of normalcy, He is not letting me become complacent

Normalcy?

"Thank You, Lord, that in my distress I can call on You. And when I cry out to You, Lord, You hear my voice and answer (Psalm 18:6). May the joy of knowing You fill my heart with happiness and peace." (from Power of a Praying Woman)

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I feel normal. So normal, it feels strange, if that makes any sense. I'm not in a downward spiral nor am I on an upswing. I feel happiness and peace. Not everything is hunky dory. In fact, my outward circumstances have not changed at all. It's all an inner working in my heart. A gift from God. It's mind boggling to me. Just a few weeks ago I was despairing of EVER being back to normal. I am reveling in it. And I praise God for pulling me through it, making me wiser, more compassionate and better able to help and encourage others because of what I have endured.

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I am grateful:

1) for surviving my busiest day of the week yesterday.

2) for Jack in the Box for breakfast

3) that I worked out again this morning (good thing, too, considering #2)

4) that I have women's bible study tonight

5) I actually have money enough after paying bills that the kids and I can go see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D over the weekend.

Meetings....

Just to clear things up. I do not attend AA meetings or Celebrate Recovery meetings. I have never been to a "real" AA meeting. The meetings I attend are Christ-based 12-step meetings. We use the Life Recovery Bible and we do work the steps and discuss a different step each week. Most of the people who attend also attend AA. I came late to meetings, I was 8 months sober before I ever went to one. I wanted something that was Christ-centered. We welcome anyone and usually have at least 3-4 people who are not believers in each meeting. I have nothing against people with different views as mine. To me, I owe everything to God. Jesus is the basis, the foundation, of my life and my sobriety and my recovery. Being around people that feel the same and understand how hard it is to be a Christian who is also an alcoholic/addict is a very important part of my recovery. That's how we have Jesus in our meetings.
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Today I am grateful for:
1) my children came with me last night to fold brochures for the walkathon I'm on the committee for, they got along, and didn't complain about doing something for nothing
2) I figured out how to do graphs on Excel and my boss is going to be so happy with his reports when he gets back from vacation!
3) I worked out this morning
4) my girl made the volleyball team
5) I realized this morning that I'm not in an upswing or a downward spiral, but evened out. And it's not just today. It's lasted at least since Sunday. This is a miracle in itself!

Nothing much....

I'm going to try and keep up with things here.
My meeting last night was wonderful....full of Jesus. Very nice!

Today I am grateful for:
1) a wonderful meeting last night, with lots of new people returning
2) the Vikings beat the Packers!!!!!!!
3) I'm cooking more these days and my children are grateful they're not eating hot dogs and mac n cheese and spaghetti so often (cooking was a major trigger for my depression for a while)
4) the privilege of prayer
5) the awesomeness of God

DUH!!

Forgot my gratitude list:
1) the absolutely beautiful fall weather we've been having
2) everyone is healthy
3) my dad celebrated his 79th bday yesterday
4) I have come to realize that I am the sister-in-law, not the ex-girlfriend anymore, and that makes things so much better
5) this is the only October 5th, 2009 I will ever have and I plan to LIVE it, not just SURVIVE it!

YIKES!!!

I had no idea it had been so long since I posted!!!!
I had a pretty bad few weeks but seem to be coming out of it now. Everyone is healthy and I never got it, which is such a HUGE blessing. I started the Women's Bible Study at Harvest 2 weeks ago. Awesome!! And the beginning of November my Friday nights will switch back and forth between my recovery worship service and a home bible study through Harvest.
School is going great! I'm done with the 6 week Intro to College course and my English professor said I only need to go in to class on Wed, skipping Mondays and STILL get full credit!! Boo-ya!!!!
My boss has been on vacation for a week and still has one more week to go. It is deathly slow here because the new season for navel oranges doesn't start until the end of the month. I'm working on year end reports while it's slow.
So those are the basics of what's going on. Mentally and emotionally I have been on a major rollercoaster the past few weeks. Up and down. Feeling like I'm truly insane sometimes. But over the weekend (a nice calm NORMAL weekend, with barely any plans) a switch flipped in my head and in my heart and I've stopped being so impatient with God to change things RIGHT NOW. I've accepted my reality. I've accepted my "today". I have peace and calm and it's WONDERFUL!!!