Contentment? Peace?

That's how I woke up feeling and it is still continuing. God is just so amazing. I had a really wonderful meeting last night. My english class was better because I changed my attitude about it and made myself be present for it. The best part about my day yesterday.......instead of riding his new skateboard home from school, like he had been dreaming of, I saw my son helping one of the old ladies in our park carry her groceries home. I am so proud of him!!! Tonight, we get to have dinner together at the table. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, one thing at a time. I've had trouble with that for sooooo long. I could never live in this day. My mind would always be off in the past or in the future. I would live today waiting for it to be over so I could get to tomorrow. But I would live EVERY day like that, never really getting anywhere; not knowing what I was living for. Does that make sense? I've been praying and praying the last few weeks that God would teach me how to live one day at a time. He's doing that. I'm forcing myself to be present, not off somewhere in my mind. And in doing so, I am finding His peace and the contentment that only comes from Him. I'm still crazy busy and could be overwhelmed if I obsessed about how much I have to do, but He is not allowing me to do that. He gently reminds me every time I start obsessing, to stop, to breathe, and to live.

GRATITUDE:
1. my son is awesome
2. I had the most lovely quiet lunch hour yesterday!
3. my meeting was awesome; a few newcomers, alot of absent regulars returning
4. tonight all three of us will be home; albeit, we'll all be doing homework, but at least we will all be home together
5. I got to do a random act of kindness yesterday

My weekend

I'm not really feeling the writing thing today. I'm in a weird place. Mainly just tired I think. So I'll just tell y'all about my weekend:
Saturday I met for the first time with a photography group that I joined. We discussed places where we'd like to go and take pictures. It was really nice, the people were wonderful, and I think I made some new friends.
Then I took my girl to a bday party for the granddaughter of a friend that bil share. We all keep talking about how the breakup is not going to change our friendship, but sadly, I think it has. I left my girl there and took my boy to coach hockey. That evening I met with a few of my high school friends for dinner. Now THAT was a blast! I think I have it figured out though. With my new friends in the morning and my old friends in the evening, I was just Diane. With my friends that I share with my bil, I always use to be Diane and T, and now I am Diane minus T. I just want to be Diane. Period. And it's hard. I felt like hanging around them was a trigger for my depression and that's really sad to me.
Yesterday, I went to church and then took the kids to the mall to buy some school clothes. I spent the afternoon reading my Sociology chapter and finishing my algebra homework.
My kids started school today! Yay!!!! I can go home at lunch to peace and quiet and read my bible; maybe we can even get into a nice routine. Be normal!!! I'm still super busy with school and church stuff, but at least the kids should be calming down a bit.

GRATITUDE
1. old friends
2. new friends
3. back to school for the kids!
4. my amazing church
5. I have a meeting tonight

Candy Finnigan is my hero

Seriously. I want to be her when I grow up. The show Intervention was an important part of me becoming sober. I would watch it and see what addiction was doing to the families. I didn’t want that to happen to my family because of me. I was also scared to death that someone was going to call the show on me, lol.
I watched an episode last night about a brother and a sister. They got the brother to agree to treatment and then they turned to the sister. She was the youngest of 6 siblings. Candy looked at her and said, “you’re the baby."(and I LOST it; haven't cried like that in a while, lol) "All your life all these people have taken care of you. Now it’s your time. It’s time to grow up and learn to take care of yourself.” That hit home. So very much. I am the baby. All my life I’ve had people taking care of me. Or I have been searching for someone to take care of me, never really wanting to take on the responsibility of taking care of myself.
This all goes together with the revelation I had a few weeks ago with all the drama…..how it’s time for me to grow up. It kinda gives me the reason why I need to grow up. I’m MY responsibility. Not anyone else’s. It’s time I take up that responsibility.

GRATITUDE
1. God
2. meeting with new photography group for breakfast at the beach tomorrow
3. meeting with high school friends for dinner tomorrow
4. got some frames on clearance yesterday so I actually may have some photos to sell next month at the craft fair
5. I got a 100 on my first sociology quiz!!!

Pain....

I thought the ligament in my ankle was getting better, very slowly, but getting better. I seem to have a lot of pain there today. I'm figuring I'll give it a few more weeks and then go back to the dr. Tonight I have no plans except for homework so I'll just sit and keep ice on it. Hopefully that will help.
I praise God, though, that that is the only pain I've been having. The deep, gut-wrenching pain of the last few months is gone. The way I have come from the depths of darkness and blackness and pain where I was, to where I am now.....well, it's nothing short of a miracle. It's all God.

GRATITUDE
1. I get to stay home tonight
2. I get to stay home tomorrow night (except for giving my son a ride to church)
3. my son offered to walk with my daughter to school to help her with her registration so I didn't need to take off work
4. we've had dinner at the table twice this week
5. we're really coming together as a family, getting along, having stupid fun; just every day stuff, just the 3 of us

Outta my head

I think I will survive algebra and sociology. I was quite overwhelmed yesterday when I saw I had 30 pages in my math book to do by Sunday at midnight, but once I started doing it, with just a couple of questions to the kids, it all started coming back........and I ENJOYED it!!! There's something about the feeling of victory when you get a problem right!! I think it has alot to do with my need for a sense of order, too.

This is the third day in a row that I have woken up without my first thought being about my ex. This is HUGE. For 7 years I spent every waking hour thinking about him and what I needed to do to make him happy and now it's finally, FINALLY stopping. I hope I don't make him sound like an ogre, he's not. He's the sweetest guy in the world. I'm the one who made the choice to put him above all other people/things in my life. I felt I had to so he would love me, which was false thinking. See, our entire relationship was in secret. Oh, by the end everyone knew. By the end it was a very open secret and only my youngest 2 kids didn't know about it. But because of that I was never secure in his love. With my past history of abuse and abandonment, I've always needed security, which this relationship didn't give me at all. So I felt I had to do whatever, be whatever he wanted me to be in order to make sure he loved me. ANYWAY, it's really nice finally getting him out of my head. It's answered prayer.

GRATITUDE
1. I like algebra!!!
2. every time I start feeling overwhelmed with it all, God reminds me to take a breath, say a prayer and trust in Him.
3. I have not called my ex once this week. Oh, I have talked to him a few times, but the important thing is I didn't call him. Huge.
4. I have awesome, smart kids who can help me with my homework
5. Just......God.

Monday

I started classes yesterday. So far, it seems like my online Sociology class is going to be the most stressful for me. The English class I think, will be really easy. It's really basic stuff. I go this afternoon for an introduction to the online algebra class.
I started to feel really overwhelmed by all I've taken on. I just cling to God and know I just need to trust in Him and He will guide me.
After school, I went to my meeting. Wonderful, as usual. I was thinking on the drive there how often I used to make excuses to NOT go places and how many times I just ditched things I had planned. Today, I would never even consider missing a meeting or church. Or anything else I have planned. It's just weird.

GRATITUDE
1. English class looks like it will be easy
2. Sociology looks daunting but I love a challenge
3. I woke up this morning with not a single thought of the ex. This is truly amazing.
4. my children were wonderful yesterday
5. the privilege of prayer

The weekend

It was very tiring but really wonderful. Seeing Third Day live finally was a dream. And on Saturday night, Skillet was UNBELIEVABLE!! As was Pastor Greg's messages both nights and seeing thousands of people each night respond to the altar call. We went to church on the beach Saturday morning. Because of the Crusade there weren't that many of us but it was very nice and low-key. Yesterday afternoon I went to an all-class reunion at my high school. It was great! There were only a few of us "young 'uns" but so much fun none the less. I graduated in 1981. The youngest people there were class of 83 and the oldest.......class of 1937!!!

I start school this afternoon. English class on Mon and Wed. I got the syllabus for my online Sociology class and need to get started on that work. Tomorrow I get the syllabus for my online Algebra class. I already have the assignments for my Intro to College course and have finished the first 2 assignments.

I've had some really bumpy moments recently with my depression but God is so amazingly awesome.....they don't last long once He gets my thinking straightened out again. It's just a matter of right-thinking; making sure my thoughts are the truth; having faith.

GRATITUDE
1. a super awesome weekend
2. starting school!
3. meeting tonight
4. patience with my kids
5. the kids start school next week! Ahhhh, normalcy, routine!