Brutus...

This is Brutus. He just turned 5 on Sunday. He is an odd mix of pitbull and chihuahua (I know!). He looks like a pit whose legs didn't grow enough. Believe it or not, he was the runt of the litter. We named him Brutus as a joke. My eldest was fostering the whole litter and their mother and the other pups wouldn't let him feed so my daughter had to hand feed him. I fell in love with him instantly and he has been a part of our family since he was 8 weeks old. He weighs 40 lbs now. He is a MOOSE! But he is one of the most beautiful dogs I have ever seen. His brindle coloring is gorgeous, I just couldn't find a good picture of it.

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Wolfie made a comment yesterday that cracked me up. He said he'd never been in a relationship where cooking was an unhealthy activity. I never thought of it that way because I loved cooking so much, but because of the expectations I put on myself and the expectations I put on others reactions, it became that. It just struck me funny....unhealthy activity.

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I amazed myself last night. I had the meatloaf already in the oven when bil called and asked if the kids could go to dinner with him. I had absolutely no problem with this. The old me would have either said no in a very pissy way, or said yes but made everyone feel really bad because I had already started dinner. I just said yes and saved the meatloaf for Friday. Seriously, this was huge for me.

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I found out last night that the reason my boy never wants to go anywhere with bil (like my girl always does) is because he hasn't wanted to leave me alone. After all of the talk that my little nervous breakdown and subsequent trip to the psych ward this past summer hadn't affected him at all, he finally fessed up. I explained to him again that it was ONLY the medication that made me like that and that I am fine now. It was very sweet.

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Life....

~~The carnival at church was SOOOOOO much fun!! I worked a game booth all by myself and it was just so fun to interact with the children and try and make each one feel special.

~~I couldn't walk by the end of the night. Not just my entire body, but especially the injured ligament in my leg. I wanted to cry (but didn't)

~~I haven't cried in 3 DAYS!!!! Went ALL weekend without a breakdown of any kind whatsoever.

~~I spent alot of time in the kitchen on Sunday. I baked Snickerdoodles and sugar cookies and made a nice chicken dinner. I also made dinner last night and am again tonight. Don't get me wrong, I was feeding my children, just not really cooking. It has been MONTHS since I've spent a Sunday in the kitchen. The thing that got me through was remembering I was doing it because I LIKED it, not because I was trying to make someone like me, not because I needed validation from someone else.

~~We got a new phone system at work. I like it but it sure was a hassle changing it all.

~~ My printer at work died yesterday and I went out and got a new one and hooked it up ALL BY MYSELF!!

~~ I start going to my home Bible study this Friday. I am excited!!

~~God is amazing! He is allowing me to feel such freedom and relief lately.

Busy, busy.........

Today is a bullet point day....
~~My boss got back from China and we started the navel orange season so I've been super busy at work. Which is nice for a change.

~~I've had my ups and downs. I just cling to God during the downs and know that they won't last forever.

~~School is going great! I'm getting an A in English, B in Sociology and B in Algebra

~~Since I haven't been going to meetings I feel alot freer. I don't know why. But I do. So I'm just going to focus on women's bible study on Thursday nights, small home group every other Friday, and regular church on Sunday. I've done this the last two weeks and it has been wonderful.

~~Tomorrow my girl with go with bil trick or treating and my boy and I are volunteering at my church's alternative to Halloween carnival.


~~I actually had to turn my heater on yesterday morning. It was 40! (I know, I know but for here in So Cali that's pretty darn cold!) The only thing wrong with the weather is the dang wind. Which. I. Hate. With a passion.

~~I've lost 10 lbs in the last 3 months!!!!

~~And lastly.......the Vikings are so gonna kick the Pack's butts on Sunday!

Roxy...

This is Roxy. She's my girl's dog. She's a spaz. She is the ONLY one who is excited at 4 a.m. when I get up. So today she got a treat. I took her on my walk with me. It was a very short walk because of my leg but she was soooo happy! I think I'll take her with me every morning.

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Had a little bump in the road yesterday talking with my bil about Thanksgiving and realizing that I just don't want to be at his girlfriend's house. Thanksgiving has been MY holiday for the past three years. When I hung up, I cried. Hard. God is so amazing. He told me it was ok to cry, it was ok to hurt and He just let me cry. I could feel His arms around me, comforting me and then I was done. I accepted the truth that I didn't want to be there on Thanksgiving and that my kids will just have to learn to deal with our new reality. I decided we would go to the movies and to Yardhouse (if they're open). After that, I had a wonderful afternoon/evening. My girl, whose been on the PMS/teenager train lately, was an absolute sweetheart yesterday. My boy was grumpy and tired; I'm hoping he's not coming down with something. I did my homework for bible study, algebra homework, cooked dinner (spaghetti) and watched Dancing with the Stars.

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GRATITUDE

1) God's comfort

2) my girl's sweetness and sunshine

3) Roxy, for keeping me company and always making me laugh

Monday, Monday.....

We had a really nice weekend! My girl and I stayed in on Friday night and caught up on all of our dvr'd shows while my boy went to church. Saturday we worked in the yard....with NO complaining!! They finagled me into going to the mall...."just to look, so you can write things down for Christmas." Yes I got snookered. I agreed with the proviso that I got to go to Godiva and buy my Dark Chocolate Decadence drink and they didn't get any. So we went, and we walked, and walked, and I wrote. We got along. It was so nice (except my leg just can't handle walking AT ALL). After dinner, I did homework and they went across the street and spent the night with my nephew's fiance and her sister. I went to church yesterday morning, ran home to pick my son up and take him to church. Watched the Vikings game (BOOO-YA!!!!!) and did homework. My boy stayed at church all day long because Stellar Kart was playing the 6pm service. He got to sit in on their sound check AND he got my girl and I in early so I didn't have to stand in line. The show was amazing, the message was even more amazing. All of it, the whole weekend, was just so.....NICE. And I LIKE nice!!!

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GRATITUDE:

1) that my words can encourage people

2) NICE!

3) it's cooling off a little for a few days (it was over 100 on Thur, Fri, and Sat)

4) my boy had such a fun, memorable time yesterday

5) my girl and I got along ALL weekend!

It's Friday.....

We were supposed to go to a football game tonight. My alma mater's homecoming game. Against my kid's school. BUT my girl texted me and said she's not feeling that great and she really sounded like crap on the phone when she woke up, so I think I'm going to make a "mom executive decision" and we'll just stay home. It's really funny. For the past 6 months I have NOT wanted to sit around at home. I wanted to be busy, busy, busy. Well, it's caught up with me and I'm burnt out. I'm so glad this weekend is looking really easy. Boy has hockey coaching and church tomorrow, then I have church on Sun morning. My boy will stay at church all day so he can snag us a good place in line for church that night. StellarKart will be there, so it will be alot of fun.

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Women's bible study last night was awesome. We are studying the book of John. The teaching was all about obedience and it was perfectly timed. I had been feeling like chucking everything, my meetings, all of it. I was just having the feeling I didn't need it anymore. I had asked God for some clear direction on this. He came through (no surprise!). My sponsor texted me last night (after her not answering me for over a week) AND my counselor, who I haven't been to in months because I can't afford it, called me to see how I was doing. When I told her why I hadn't been back, she cut my fee and told me to pay what I could. So obviously this was all a thump on the head by God to let me know I can't do it by myself (duh). My problem had been that I felt I was dwelling on my addiction and abuse too much. I don't want them to be what defines me, I was putting myself into a box, and I started fighting against it. What I need to do is realize that these things ARE a part of me, and I do have to deal with them, but they are not ALL I am. So, my decision is to get back to my home meeting when volleyball is over and to get back to counseling twice a month.

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From "Proverbs 31 Woman" email devotion:

"There's no place you can go that God can't follow. No heartbreak, no betrayal, no refection, no failure, no disappointment, and no evil can stop Him from coming near. God will always come. He cannot fail you. He will never quit you, never forget you, and never leave you. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

WOW.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's thumps on the head

2) lessons hopefully learned in bible study

3) a quiet weekend

4) I get to leave work at noon today

5) ALL OF YOU!!!!!! you all encourage and uplift me daily. THANK YOU!!

I'm ok.....

The depression passed so quickly yesterday. God is SOOOOO good!!! I went to my English class and I was fine. I'm really enjoying that class actually. Then I picked up my son, took him to church, picked my daughter up from volleyball practice, went home, ate dinner, did the dishes, read, and picked up my son at 9. Wednesdays are my busy days. The book I was reading was by Elizabeth George, Loving God With All Your Mind. I just started it. The first chapter was all about thinking on the truth. And that is pretty much what I have been trying to do. God was just reinforcing it to me. When I stay focused on God's truth and not let the lies of the enemy slip in; when I dwell on the truth and not what my mind is making up....THAT is when I am truly living my life.
I made a decision last night, too. I am so burned-out with all my running around that I've decided to forgo my meetings on Mondays until my girl's volleyball is over in November. I didn't go this past week and the extra time with my kids was priceless.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's truth and grace

2) Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream....seriously

3) Women's bible study tonight

4) I was able to pay a few of my credit cards today AND since there is an extra pay period this month, and the end of the month I will have a little extra money

5) I have one or two more quiet weeks here at work before navel season starts.