Thankful

I am thankful for God's presence in my life. For His guidance. His amazing, overpowering love.

Things have been amazingly normal lately. I still have my moments. But I'm learning that the life I am living now is not the alternative to something better, it IS the better.

I am taking a break from blogging due to not much time and not really any inspiration to write. I'll come back from time to time.

Brutus...

This is Brutus. He just turned 5 on Sunday. He is an odd mix of pitbull and chihuahua (I know!). He looks like a pit whose legs didn't grow enough. Believe it or not, he was the runt of the litter. We named him Brutus as a joke. My eldest was fostering the whole litter and their mother and the other pups wouldn't let him feed so my daughter had to hand feed him. I fell in love with him instantly and he has been a part of our family since he was 8 weeks old. He weighs 40 lbs now. He is a MOOSE! But he is one of the most beautiful dogs I have ever seen. His brindle coloring is gorgeous, I just couldn't find a good picture of it.

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Wolfie made a comment yesterday that cracked me up. He said he'd never been in a relationship where cooking was an unhealthy activity. I never thought of it that way because I loved cooking so much, but because of the expectations I put on myself and the expectations I put on others reactions, it became that. It just struck me funny....unhealthy activity.

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I amazed myself last night. I had the meatloaf already in the oven when bil called and asked if the kids could go to dinner with him. I had absolutely no problem with this. The old me would have either said no in a very pissy way, or said yes but made everyone feel really bad because I had already started dinner. I just said yes and saved the meatloaf for Friday. Seriously, this was huge for me.

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I found out last night that the reason my boy never wants to go anywhere with bil (like my girl always does) is because he hasn't wanted to leave me alone. After all of the talk that my little nervous breakdown and subsequent trip to the psych ward this past summer hadn't affected him at all, he finally fessed up. I explained to him again that it was ONLY the medication that made me like that and that I am fine now. It was very sweet.

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Life....

~~The carnival at church was SOOOOOO much fun!! I worked a game booth all by myself and it was just so fun to interact with the children and try and make each one feel special.

~~I couldn't walk by the end of the night. Not just my entire body, but especially the injured ligament in my leg. I wanted to cry (but didn't)

~~I haven't cried in 3 DAYS!!!! Went ALL weekend without a breakdown of any kind whatsoever.

~~I spent alot of time in the kitchen on Sunday. I baked Snickerdoodles and sugar cookies and made a nice chicken dinner. I also made dinner last night and am again tonight. Don't get me wrong, I was feeding my children, just not really cooking. It has been MONTHS since I've spent a Sunday in the kitchen. The thing that got me through was remembering I was doing it because I LIKED it, not because I was trying to make someone like me, not because I needed validation from someone else.

~~We got a new phone system at work. I like it but it sure was a hassle changing it all.

~~ My printer at work died yesterday and I went out and got a new one and hooked it up ALL BY MYSELF!!

~~ I start going to my home Bible study this Friday. I am excited!!

~~God is amazing! He is allowing me to feel such freedom and relief lately.

Busy, busy.........

Today is a bullet point day....
~~My boss got back from China and we started the navel orange season so I've been super busy at work. Which is nice for a change.

~~I've had my ups and downs. I just cling to God during the downs and know that they won't last forever.

~~School is going great! I'm getting an A in English, B in Sociology and B in Algebra

~~Since I haven't been going to meetings I feel alot freer. I don't know why. But I do. So I'm just going to focus on women's bible study on Thursday nights, small home group every other Friday, and regular church on Sunday. I've done this the last two weeks and it has been wonderful.

~~Tomorrow my girl with go with bil trick or treating and my boy and I are volunteering at my church's alternative to Halloween carnival.


~~I actually had to turn my heater on yesterday morning. It was 40! (I know, I know but for here in So Cali that's pretty darn cold!) The only thing wrong with the weather is the dang wind. Which. I. Hate. With a passion.

~~I've lost 10 lbs in the last 3 months!!!!

~~And lastly.......the Vikings are so gonna kick the Pack's butts on Sunday!

Roxy...

This is Roxy. She's my girl's dog. She's a spaz. She is the ONLY one who is excited at 4 a.m. when I get up. So today she got a treat. I took her on my walk with me. It was a very short walk because of my leg but she was soooo happy! I think I'll take her with me every morning.

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Had a little bump in the road yesterday talking with my bil about Thanksgiving and realizing that I just don't want to be at his girlfriend's house. Thanksgiving has been MY holiday for the past three years. When I hung up, I cried. Hard. God is so amazing. He told me it was ok to cry, it was ok to hurt and He just let me cry. I could feel His arms around me, comforting me and then I was done. I accepted the truth that I didn't want to be there on Thanksgiving and that my kids will just have to learn to deal with our new reality. I decided we would go to the movies and to Yardhouse (if they're open). After that, I had a wonderful afternoon/evening. My girl, whose been on the PMS/teenager train lately, was an absolute sweetheart yesterday. My boy was grumpy and tired; I'm hoping he's not coming down with something. I did my homework for bible study, algebra homework, cooked dinner (spaghetti) and watched Dancing with the Stars.

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GRATITUDE

1) God's comfort

2) my girl's sweetness and sunshine

3) Roxy, for keeping me company and always making me laugh

Monday, Monday.....

We had a really nice weekend! My girl and I stayed in on Friday night and caught up on all of our dvr'd shows while my boy went to church. Saturday we worked in the yard....with NO complaining!! They finagled me into going to the mall...."just to look, so you can write things down for Christmas." Yes I got snookered. I agreed with the proviso that I got to go to Godiva and buy my Dark Chocolate Decadence drink and they didn't get any. So we went, and we walked, and walked, and I wrote. We got along. It was so nice (except my leg just can't handle walking AT ALL). After dinner, I did homework and they went across the street and spent the night with my nephew's fiance and her sister. I went to church yesterday morning, ran home to pick my son up and take him to church. Watched the Vikings game (BOOO-YA!!!!!) and did homework. My boy stayed at church all day long because Stellar Kart was playing the 6pm service. He got to sit in on their sound check AND he got my girl and I in early so I didn't have to stand in line. The show was amazing, the message was even more amazing. All of it, the whole weekend, was just so.....NICE. And I LIKE nice!!!

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GRATITUDE:

1) that my words can encourage people

2) NICE!

3) it's cooling off a little for a few days (it was over 100 on Thur, Fri, and Sat)

4) my boy had such a fun, memorable time yesterday

5) my girl and I got along ALL weekend!

It's Friday.....

We were supposed to go to a football game tonight. My alma mater's homecoming game. Against my kid's school. BUT my girl texted me and said she's not feeling that great and she really sounded like crap on the phone when she woke up, so I think I'm going to make a "mom executive decision" and we'll just stay home. It's really funny. For the past 6 months I have NOT wanted to sit around at home. I wanted to be busy, busy, busy. Well, it's caught up with me and I'm burnt out. I'm so glad this weekend is looking really easy. Boy has hockey coaching and church tomorrow, then I have church on Sun morning. My boy will stay at church all day so he can snag us a good place in line for church that night. StellarKart will be there, so it will be alot of fun.

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Women's bible study last night was awesome. We are studying the book of John. The teaching was all about obedience and it was perfectly timed. I had been feeling like chucking everything, my meetings, all of it. I was just having the feeling I didn't need it anymore. I had asked God for some clear direction on this. He came through (no surprise!). My sponsor texted me last night (after her not answering me for over a week) AND my counselor, who I haven't been to in months because I can't afford it, called me to see how I was doing. When I told her why I hadn't been back, she cut my fee and told me to pay what I could. So obviously this was all a thump on the head by God to let me know I can't do it by myself (duh). My problem had been that I felt I was dwelling on my addiction and abuse too much. I don't want them to be what defines me, I was putting myself into a box, and I started fighting against it. What I need to do is realize that these things ARE a part of me, and I do have to deal with them, but they are not ALL I am. So, my decision is to get back to my home meeting when volleyball is over and to get back to counseling twice a month.

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From "Proverbs 31 Woman" email devotion:

"There's no place you can go that God can't follow. No heartbreak, no betrayal, no refection, no failure, no disappointment, and no evil can stop Him from coming near. God will always come. He cannot fail you. He will never quit you, never forget you, and never leave you. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

WOW.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's thumps on the head

2) lessons hopefully learned in bible study

3) a quiet weekend

4) I get to leave work at noon today

5) ALL OF YOU!!!!!! you all encourage and uplift me daily. THANK YOU!!

I'm ok.....

The depression passed so quickly yesterday. God is SOOOOO good!!! I went to my English class and I was fine. I'm really enjoying that class actually. Then I picked up my son, took him to church, picked my daughter up from volleyball practice, went home, ate dinner, did the dishes, read, and picked up my son at 9. Wednesdays are my busy days. The book I was reading was by Elizabeth George, Loving God With All Your Mind. I just started it. The first chapter was all about thinking on the truth. And that is pretty much what I have been trying to do. God was just reinforcing it to me. When I stay focused on God's truth and not let the lies of the enemy slip in; when I dwell on the truth and not what my mind is making up....THAT is when I am truly living my life.
I made a decision last night, too. I am so burned-out with all my running around that I've decided to forgo my meetings on Mondays until my girl's volleyball is over in November. I didn't go this past week and the extra time with my kids was priceless.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God's truth and grace

2) Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream....seriously

3) Women's bible study tonight

4) I was able to pay a few of my credit cards today AND since there is an extra pay period this month, and the end of the month I will have a little extra money

5) I have one or two more quiet weeks here at work before navel season starts.

Pain....

From "Power of a Praying Woman" calendar:

"Tough times happen to everyone at one time or another. Pain and loss are a part of life. There are many different reasons why these things occur, but God is always there to bring good out of it when we invite Him to. If we understand the different possibilities for our suffering, it will help us overcome our pain and see our faith grow in the midst of it."

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Gut-wrenching pain....again. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, BAM! A feeling of wanting to rewind the past year, do it different, no break-up, the feeling of "what will I do without him", "how can I go on". I rebuke, I pray, I give it up. And it passes.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God has plans and reasons for everything and it is not my place to know them, but only to trust Him.

2) finished all the reports my boss needs for his overseas trip this week

3) I am done with my homework for the week, except to keep working on my research project.

A few bumps in the road...

My eldest and I have a pact that we would always spend Christmas Eve/Christmas morning together, no matter what, no matter how many children she has, where we are, we'll be together. She called me last night and told me that her great-grandmother (who is 96) offered to pay her way to visit her in Ohio, but she would have to leave on Christmas Eve. My daughter was so sweet and before telling her yes, called me to ask my permission. I was heart-broken but I couldn't keep her from it, so I didn't let on and told her by all means go. My issue is that I have in my mind that the holidays are going to be tough for me this year, the first since the break-up and all. I was upset last night. Very. But when I woke up this morning, God put a new thought in my mind and that was that it will all be ok. The younger two and I will be fine and I need to stop thinking that it's going to be so bad.
The other bump was when the kids and I were watching home movies from when they were little. I guess their dad (who I haven't heard from in almost 2 years; he's the abusive one) visited us when I was videotaping. Seeing him on the tv sent me into a near panic attack. I had to leave the room and I cried. I realized I have not seen or talked to him since being sober. That I had used the alcohol to numb all the feelings about what he did to me and now being sober I HAVE to deal with it. It only lasted a minute and I was fine but it reinforces something I've been feeling alot of lately and that is my issues are turning out to be so much more from the domestic violence than from the alcohol abuse. And I'm leaning more in the direction of counseling and helping women who are dealing with abuse, than helping people in addiction.
I think my girl realized I had an issue with their father and told her brother to fast forward through that part. We had the most fun at dinner than we've had in a long time. I haven't laughed so hard in forever. My kids were (are!) such dorks. So even with the little bumps in the road last night, we had a WONDERFUL evening.

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GRATITUDE:

1) God can and will shift my wrong attitudes/thinking about things

2) God helps me see my selfishness

3) I am lucky enough to own a video camera so that we can look back at our wonderful memories and have so much fun doing it

4) my sweet, sweet eldest girl who thought of me first

5) the VIKINGS are 5-0!!!!!!!!!! Going all the way, baby!!!!

The weekend...

I had a fabulously normal weekend! Did chores, laundry, homework, bbq'd steak for me and the kids, went to church, went to see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D, sat outside while my kids threw the football back and forth, put up my fall decorations. It was nice and quiet and relaxing. Now back to the grind!

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GRATITUDE:

1) a wonderful weekend

2) my bathroom door is fixed (it was falling off it's hinges; bil came and fixed it on Sat.

3) it's supposed to rain this week!!

4) I decided on a subject for my research paper for Sociology: global violence against women

5) factoring trinomials has gotten easier with practice!

Factoring trinomials......

Seriously, when will I EVER in my life have to factor a trinomial??? I was at the point of tears last night with frustration. I stopped my homework, took a break, read a few verses in my Bible and prayed and went back to it and got it done. And it did get easier with the last few problems. Thankfully I have no plans this weekend except for homework, driving my son to church tonight and tomorrow night, taking him to coach hockey tomorrow afternoon, going to church myself on Sunday morning and then to the movies. Gee, that looks like alot now that I've written it out, but really, it's not. It will be a pretty relaxing weekend, praise God!!

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Gratitude:
1) the awesome comments y'all posted yesterday
2) I got through my algebra chapter without crying
3) it is sooooooo slow here today I'll probably leave at noon
4) the weather is STILL beautiful
5) while God is giving me such peace and a sense of normalcy, He is not letting me become complacent

Normalcy?

"Thank You, Lord, that in my distress I can call on You. And when I cry out to You, Lord, You hear my voice and answer (Psalm 18:6). May the joy of knowing You fill my heart with happiness and peace." (from Power of a Praying Woman)

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I feel normal. So normal, it feels strange, if that makes any sense. I'm not in a downward spiral nor am I on an upswing. I feel happiness and peace. Not everything is hunky dory. In fact, my outward circumstances have not changed at all. It's all an inner working in my heart. A gift from God. It's mind boggling to me. Just a few weeks ago I was despairing of EVER being back to normal. I am reveling in it. And I praise God for pulling me through it, making me wiser, more compassionate and better able to help and encourage others because of what I have endured.

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I am grateful:

1) for surviving my busiest day of the week yesterday.

2) for Jack in the Box for breakfast

3) that I worked out again this morning (good thing, too, considering #2)

4) that I have women's bible study tonight

5) I actually have money enough after paying bills that the kids and I can go see Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D over the weekend.

Meetings....

Just to clear things up. I do not attend AA meetings or Celebrate Recovery meetings. I have never been to a "real" AA meeting. The meetings I attend are Christ-based 12-step meetings. We use the Life Recovery Bible and we do work the steps and discuss a different step each week. Most of the people who attend also attend AA. I came late to meetings, I was 8 months sober before I ever went to one. I wanted something that was Christ-centered. We welcome anyone and usually have at least 3-4 people who are not believers in each meeting. I have nothing against people with different views as mine. To me, I owe everything to God. Jesus is the basis, the foundation, of my life and my sobriety and my recovery. Being around people that feel the same and understand how hard it is to be a Christian who is also an alcoholic/addict is a very important part of my recovery. That's how we have Jesus in our meetings.
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Today I am grateful for:
1) my children came with me last night to fold brochures for the walkathon I'm on the committee for, they got along, and didn't complain about doing something for nothing
2) I figured out how to do graphs on Excel and my boss is going to be so happy with his reports when he gets back from vacation!
3) I worked out this morning
4) my girl made the volleyball team
5) I realized this morning that I'm not in an upswing or a downward spiral, but evened out. And it's not just today. It's lasted at least since Sunday. This is a miracle in itself!

Nothing much....

I'm going to try and keep up with things here.
My meeting last night was wonderful....full of Jesus. Very nice!

Today I am grateful for:
1) a wonderful meeting last night, with lots of new people returning
2) the Vikings beat the Packers!!!!!!!
3) I'm cooking more these days and my children are grateful they're not eating hot dogs and mac n cheese and spaghetti so often (cooking was a major trigger for my depression for a while)
4) the privilege of prayer
5) the awesomeness of God

DUH!!

Forgot my gratitude list:
1) the absolutely beautiful fall weather we've been having
2) everyone is healthy
3) my dad celebrated his 79th bday yesterday
4) I have come to realize that I am the sister-in-law, not the ex-girlfriend anymore, and that makes things so much better
5) this is the only October 5th, 2009 I will ever have and I plan to LIVE it, not just SURVIVE it!

YIKES!!!

I had no idea it had been so long since I posted!!!!
I had a pretty bad few weeks but seem to be coming out of it now. Everyone is healthy and I never got it, which is such a HUGE blessing. I started the Women's Bible Study at Harvest 2 weeks ago. Awesome!! And the beginning of November my Friday nights will switch back and forth between my recovery worship service and a home bible study through Harvest.
School is going great! I'm done with the 6 week Intro to College course and my English professor said I only need to go in to class on Wed, skipping Mondays and STILL get full credit!! Boo-ya!!!!
My boss has been on vacation for a week and still has one more week to go. It is deathly slow here because the new season for navel oranges doesn't start until the end of the month. I'm working on year end reports while it's slow.
So those are the basics of what's going on. Mentally and emotionally I have been on a major rollercoaster the past few weeks. Up and down. Feeling like I'm truly insane sometimes. But over the weekend (a nice calm NORMAL weekend, with barely any plans) a switch flipped in my head and in my heart and I've stopped being so impatient with God to change things RIGHT NOW. I've accepted my reality. I've accepted my "today". I have peace and calm and it's WONDERFUL!!!

The House of Sickness.....

My poor girl is down with the flu. Bad. Temp of over 103 for 2 days. Took her to the dr and she confirmed it's the flu, not strep. I went to pick up my son from church last night and while I was gone, my girl had a bloody nose (not unusual at all, she has them ALL the time) but she fainted. I'm sure it was a combination of being sick, not eating her dinner like she was supposed to, and the cold meds. She is doing so-so today. Fever is down to 101. It doesn't help that we're in the beginning of a heatwave. It should be hitting 110 from now until late next week. And I thought we were over the worst of it. No air conditioning sucks. If it gets too bad, I'll send the kids across the street to the ex's house. He has central air.

I went to the recovery worship service last night. It was great! There were about 30 of us. I couldn't help but keep thinking what a smile God must have on His face, seeing and hearing a roomful of what the world might consider some really "bad" sinners....drug addicts, alcoholics, ex-con's, ex-gang members....to see and hear these people singing praises to Him. It gets me every time!

GRATITUDE:
1. that my girl is ok
2. that my son and I so far show no signs of getting sick
3. that I have a house to live in that's mine, regardless of whether the air conditioner works
4. God is redirecting my focus back to where it should be
5. By God's grace I survived this past week.

Vacation......

So far my vacation has been ok. I've been getting alot done around the house. Today I'm taking a break. Just gonna work on some homework. I've struggled all week. I'm still smoking. I went one whole day without caffeine but told myself I couldn't handle the headache. It was just an excuse. What I really NEED to do is apply the 12 steps to these two things and start trusting that God will pull me through.

Monday was a pretty bad day and today started off that way. I finally figured out why this breakup is so hard for me. It's not the fact that I'm not with him anymore, I don't WANT to be with him. It's that, since the relationship was all in secret, I feel like I was never good enough. I tried so hard for so long to be perfect for him, to make him love me, and I was never good enough. It just fed into everything I've been told all my life...that I wasn't good enough.

My ex has been asking me for a few days what's been wrong with me so I decided to tell him how I felt I was never good enough to be his girlfriend. He reminded me that we made a deal early on to keep it secret because we didn't want my kids to get hurt. That what he has with his new gf is an entirely different situation. That I need to stop comparing. That I was always good enough, in fact, I was too good. It made me put my focus back on the truth. It's just that the self-esteem thing is so deeply ingrained in me, it's soooo easy to fall right back into.

What really made me pull through this is that God finally got to me last night and made me see that I AM good enough. That is not the problem. That is the enemy trying to steal my joy. The thing isn't how much T loved me, it's how much God loved me. If God didn't love me, He would have left me in the sin of that relationship. But He does love me and he pulled me out of it. He left me in it long enough for me to be at this place I am at right now. If I hadn't gone through that relationship and the hell and pain of the last 6 months, I wouldn't be so much closer to being who He wants me to be. I have to go through this fire. He has plans for me. I AM good enough in God's eyes. I AM whole. I need to ask God to help me see myself as He sees me. That's the only important thing. Whenever I start to feel anger or bitterness or envy over what they have, I need to turn to God and thank Him for pulling me out of it.

GRATITUDE:
1. God's amazing love
2. I am NOT broken.
3. My house is starting to really look nice
4. My yard is weeded and cleaned up
5. I've got all my photos framed and ready to try and sell at a craft fair on Saturday

Depression.....

Depression is a new thing to me, too. I've always had mild times of depression, but always related to hormones. And my doctor's tell me now, it's more a grieving process added to all my out of whack hormones. That's why anti-depressants were such a bad thing for me, they say. I didn't really need them. I know they work for alot of people, just not me. This is just something I need to work through.

I did get some really good advice from my counselor a few months back. Try deep breathing exercises, positive affirmations, exercise (especially walking), and eating healthier. All of these things have helped me. The main thing, though, is not isolating yourself, not feeling sorry for yourself, realizing that you WILL get through it. Stay plugged in to God and to life.

Clarification: the meeting I go to on Friday nights isn't really a meeting, I just call it that for convenience sake. It is an actual church service FOR alcoholics/addicts. We do worship and then the pastor gives a message specifically geared to the struggles we as people in recovery face. The steps are not discussed. Now my meetings on Mondays are Christian-based step studies and we work out of the Life Recovery Bible. We work the steps and we share, but it is not AA or Celebrate Recovery.

GRATITUDE:
1) last day of Surf Fellowship tomorrow
2) I've slept straight through the night (11-4) for 2 nights in a row
3) got some great deals on chicken and steak at the store
4) I'm on vacation next week!!
5) that my blog may help someone